Ninjas Flip Out and Kill People

 

Click here to read the funniest thing I’ve seen in ages.

Background: Weirdo freak gets on a webforum on guns and pretends he’s (A) a mall cop and (B) armed to the teeth. Because he’s Special Forces. And a ninja. And because he saved both the mayor’s nephew and the local SWAT team. Never has overwhelming ignorance been combined so perfectly with embarrassing overcompensation issues. An excerpt:

I am in a high-risk job. It is not the Mall of America, but Ill tell you what its no podunk mall either.I am a responsible citizen who has made the choice to carry at all times. I defend others. If something happens at the Mall then I would be the hero, not those of you who are making fun of me for no reason. Yes Im not a Green Beret but guess what neither are you and unlike you I have to face unruly shoppers every day.My REAL problem is that, like any LEO, I have enemies because of my job. They may have access to high-powered rifles. My job starts and ends at the same time every day. Although I use four rotating routes to drive to and from work, I am still vulnerable during the walk to and from my car. This is the time that I load up on the trauma plates because I DO NOT WANT TO BE SHOT DEAD!Also, someone said that my Tac Team doesn’t get training. Not true. We meet at the range every night and shoot 400 rounds each through weapons that closely resemble our duty setup. We also practice unarmed combat. I am a Master of three martial arts including ninjitsu, which means I can wear the special boots to climb walls. I don’t think any of you are working as hard as I am to be prepared. I asked a serious question about tactical armor and I wanted a serious response. If you want to laugh at somebody, try laughing at the sheep out there who go to the mall unarmed trusting in me to stand guiard over their lives like a God.

Go read the whole thing. You don’t even have to know that much about ninjas or weaponry to catch all this guy’s idiocy. It’s hilarious.

(Via, almost simultaneously, Teresa Nielsen Hayden and Neil Gaiman)