Attack of the Idiot Vampire Goons

There is not a single day that goes by that I don’t thank my lucky stars for escaping high school.

Boston Latin School headmaster Lynne Mooney Teta issued a notice to parents and students yesterday quashing rumors of vampires at the school. An odd move for the head of a historic elite preparatory school, but Teta and Boston public school officials declined to elaborate on what triggered the unusual message.

They did, however, adamantly offer assurances that no one at the school has been hurt, arrested – or bitten.

“The headmaster believes that the outrageous rumors had reached a point where she had to say something to families to ensure that all students felt safe and respected,” said Chris Horan, School Department spokesman.

While the episode sounds like something out of “Twilight,” last year’s hit film about a high school girl who falls in love with a vampire, it may be closer to the movie “Mean Girls.”

Two law enforcement officials with knowledge of the incident said a group of girls at the school had been bullying at least one other student who likes to dress in Goth-style, a vampirish look popularized by musician Marilyn Manson. The officials said the girls began spreading a rumor that the student was a vampire who had cut someone’s neck and sucked the blood.

When Boston police went to the school Wednesday on an unrelated matter, their presence fueled yet another rumor: that a vampire was being arrested, according to one of the law enforcement sources.

Okay, point #1: We really should take every kid between the ages of 13-19, put ’em in their own 50-gallon drum, and seal ’em in ’til they hit 19. By then, all the hormonal teenager crazy-juice should’ve worn off. I mean, I’m sure there are a lot of perfectly nice teenagers out there, but for the most part, they’re all crazier than a herd of emus on acid.

Point #2: Lubbock, please, I’m beggin’ ya, ’cause I know someone out there is thinking it, please don’t do anything like this locally. I know it seems like a good vampire hunt would be a fun way to get the loonier churches dancing around in their happy pants, but really, no no no no no no no no NO.

In semi-related news: This is the best, funniest, and rudest summary of Stephenie Meyer’s “Twilight” book series ever. Go read it so you don’t have to read the books or watch the movies.