It’s the end of another rough-and-tumble week, and we all need a nice dose of the weekend to help us unwind. And what’s the best way to start the weekend? A heaping bowl of mindless violence and, as always, FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS!

This week’s brawl comes from July 1971’s Fantastic Four #112 by Stan Lee, John Buscema, and Joe Sinnott:

If there are two poster boys for rambunctious comic violence, it’s gotta be those two brawling beauties, the Thing and the Hulk.

For no reason other than I’m feelin’ down in the dumps and don’t want to do any serious writing, Hero Sandwich now presents: The Hulk makes rude and insulting comments about the intelligence of fish.

(Image courtesy of Timeshredder, who is Canadian and looks like Lex Luthor)

As soon as I saw this cover, I knew I’d have to post it, just for frequent commenter Swampy, who I know loves both the Hulk and catastrophically crude flatulence jokes.

Yes indeed, Hulk can’t fight gas, just as he can’t fight his love of convenience store burritos. And Darkhawk Nighthawk looks like he bore the full brunt of that backblast…

What’s that ya say? Tomorrow’s Halloween? Well, by gum, let’s dig up some nice monstery comics and see how they look?

Hellboy: In the Chapel of Moloch

Hey, Mike Mignola is back writing and drawing Hellboy again! The technical term for this is: “totally sweet.” Hellboy investigates a case where an artist of middling talent takes up residence in a spooky church and sculpts up a honkin’ huge statue of a demon called Moloch. And the statue actually bleeds when you cut it! Turns out the church was the headquarters, centuries ago, of a Moloch-worshiping cult, and the forces of Hell still have influence here. Will Hellboy go for a simple, quiet exorcism? Or a great deal of smashing and breaking and shooting?

Verdict: Thumbs up. Man, it’s great to see Mignola drawing Hellboy again. He ain’t lost a trick, either — this is spooky, moody, eerie — and yeah, very action-packed stuff. And the writing remains top-notch. Mignola drags up all kinds of creepy historical and semi-historical tidbits to help move the story along. A cult that roasted babies alive? A saint who fought in the Crusades even though he’d been decapitated? Ooky, and fun. More please, Mr. Mignola.

Monster-Size Hulk

Four different stories as Hulk fights… MOOOONSTERRRRS! We get one where Hulk takes on Frankenstein’s Monster, possibly even returning him to standard Marvel continuity. The second story features Werewolf by Night. The third one is a short little two-page comedy starring Marvel’s classic giant monsters. The last one is neat — mostly text by Peter David, with a couple of illustrations, as the Hulk takes on Dracula himself.

Verdict: Thumbs up. I loved the one with Frankenstein, and I thought the story with Dracula was outstanding. This is the Dracula from Marvel’s classic ’70s series “Tomb of Dracula” with a ruthless, megalomaniacal, grandstanding Count Dracula — a character I’ve long enjoyed.

Marvel Adventures: The Hulk #13

Marvel’s all-ages books all seem to be exceptionally good, and this one is a lot of fun. The Hulk tangles with the Living Pharaoh, and he’s managed to enslave most of Marvel’s heroes by turning them into mummies! And they’re pretty creepy mummies, too! Can Hulk, Rick Jones, and their pet monkey (Um, what?) figure out a way to stop the Pharaoh in time?

Verdict: Thumbs up. I’m impressed that they managed to make what’s basically a kids’ version of “Marvel Zombies.” Yes, it’s a little scary, but still fun.

The Goon #29

Skinny is back from the dead as Mr. Wicker — he’s basically a wood-covered, burning zombie. Yeah, takes all kinds. And the orphans get a new playmate — Merle the Werewolf’s son, Roscoe the Werepup. Roscoe claims to be able to fart and whistle at the same time — we’ll see if this amazing talent eventually becomes useful.

Verdict: Thumbs up again. This one has zombies, werewolves, wood monsters, and more. Great, if slightly crude, Halloween reading. But you wouldn’t want the Goon to be anything but.

She-Hulk #33

Shulkie battles the Super-Skrull and tries to convince him not to kill Jazinda, his daughter. Meanwhile, Jazinda is fighting the Skrull Talisman. Is there any way to stop Jazinda from getting killed?

Verdict: Thumbs up. Yes, it’s a nice, simple, straightforward plot, but I really did enjoy it. Lots of excellent brawling and action, lots of great dialogue, a primo plotline. It’s not Shakespeare, but it’s a good story. I approve — I wish they could all be this good.

Hulk #6

Green Hulk fights Red Hulk. Thor comes along for the ride. A bunch of other superheroes don’t really do much. We’re promised an answer for who the Red Hulk is, but we don’t get one. Though it’s apparently not Doc Samson (who’s somehow grown his hair long again) or Thunderbolt Ross.

Verdict: Thumbs down. Utter and complete garbage.

Huzzah! The air conditioner’s fixed! And my breath is minty-fresh!

Now on to the reviews!

Hulk #5

The Red Hulk kicks Thor’s butt, Iron Man and the Fantastic Four try to figure out if Doc Samson is really the Red Hulk, and A-Bomb (Rick Jones as the blue-skinned version of the Abomination) fishes the regular green Hulk out of San Francisco Bay.

Verdict: There’s not really much to the story, but I’m gonna give it a thumbs up. Ed McGuinness knows how to draw one heck of a slugfest. Conclusion of this storyline is next issue, so I assume they’ll reveal what faked-up and idiotic excuse they’ve dredged up to claim that Red Hulk is someone other than Doc Samson…

Teen Titans #61

Kid Devil and Blue Beetle team up to track down a supervillain called Shockwave. Kid Devil blames Shockwave for putting him on the outs with the rest of the Titans, while Beetle is after him because he’s targeting companies that used to be owned by Ted Kord, the previous Blue Beetle.

Verdict: Thumbs up. But mainly because a lot of the focus is on Blue Beetle, who’s just plain awesome.

 

Hulk #4

If you’re looking for a comic with subtlety and savoir-faire, this is not the book for you. I mean, lookit this:

 

Any comic that starts out with the evil red Hulk socking Uatu the Watcher in the jaw is, well, the type of thing that’s gonna make me giggle all freakin’ day long.

Plot? Red Hulk and Green Hulk fight. S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent Clay Quartermain is found dead. We get a pretty definitive answer as to who the Red Hulk is. (And I was riiiiiight! Everyone do the herky dance! Ooo! Yeah! Shake it, baby! Yeah!) And we get a visit from the only other superhero who might have a chance of putting the Red Hulk down for the count.

Verdict: Thumbs up. Hulk battles, Uatu punching, and Scott being riiiiiight about the Hulk’s identity equals out to big fun. You know what this calls for, people? That’s right. This calls for Cameo.

 

George R.R. Martin’s Wild Cards: The Hard Call #3

Alex is an electric-powered ace who wishes he were either dead or normal. Simon is his best friend, a ridiculous horndog who’s acquired the power to teleport through mirrors. Kira used to be the girl Alex loved from afar, but she’s been turned into a deformed joker — and she’s vanished mysteriously. And the dog-masked ace who killed a nurse at the Jokertown clinic and stole a batch of the trump virus is now secretly dosing jokers with the trump virus — but the trump kills more often than it cures. When Alex goes looking for the infamous Croyd Crenson, will he be able to help, or will the immortal superpowered speedfreak just make things worse?

Verdict: Thumbs up. The story is rocking forward, as the dog-mask’s plans become more clear, the mystery deepens, and the action picks up the pace. Alex is getting the hang of his powers, and Croyd looks like he’s heading for his usual oh-so-familiar amped-up psychosis. It’s also pretty cool how the cured jokers are addressed. Good fun, and worth picking up.

 

Gemini #2

Last issue, Gemini got his head blown clean off… but hey, he’s got a healing factor, so it heals right back. Unfortunately, with his mask gone, his government monitors can no longer track him, and he can see his own face. How bad could that be? Well, since he’s basically a controlled split personality whose two identities are completely unaware of each other, it’s started him questioning who he is, why he’s never seen his own face, and whether something’s wrong with him. His government trackers enlist another government hero named Lynx to deactivate him. But there’s another threat coming that has the ability to decommission him once and for all.

Verdict: Thumbs up. Fun story, great action, lots of intrigue. This Jay Faerber cat does pretty good writin’.

 

Green Lantern #32

We continue with this flashback retelling of Hal Jordan’s origin. We see creepazoid Hector Hammond get his powers, we see Hal get permission to fly planes for Ferris Air, we meet Sinestro for the first time, and we see the demonic Atrocitus start tracking down the man who will ultimately found the Black Lanterns.

Verdict: I dunno, all this stuff is kinda cool, but most GL fans already knew it already. Sure, you can say it’s a good way to introduce new readers to the characters, but this seems like the very long and inefficient way to do it. And I can’t keep thinking that maybe we could be reading some new adventures of Green Lantern sometime?

 

Teen Titans #60

The final showdown between the Teen Titans and the Terror Titans is, well, a bit of a let-down. Most of the bad guys don’t really put up much of a fight. The only one with any real skillz is Clock King, who can see far enough into the future to keep anyone from laying a glove on him. Ravager almost kills one of the bad guys, but is prevented by Wonder Girl. Clock King realizes that Ravager is a precog, too, so he asks her to join him. She turns him down, and the rest of the Titans make their getaway. But Robin and Wonder Girl decide they can’t have a potential killer on their team, so Rose gets the heave-ho and goes back to the Clock King. Bummer. And it means it’s time for yet another team membership revamp. Bleaaachhh.

Verdict: Most of it’s actually pretty good, but I think I’m going to give it a thumbs down. Rose Wilson was developing into a very interesting character, and I’m really not thrilled about removing the team’s conflict-magnet. And another team membership revamp? Bleaaachhh.

House of Mystery #1

DC looks to be trying to recreate one of their classic horror anthologies, with a few twists. In this first issue, we discover that someone has somehow stolen Cain’s House of Mystery from out of the Dreaming itself. Much later, there are a bunch of people living in it — actually, they have no choice but to live in it. In fact, they never get to leave, except for rarely, when a strange coach arrives and whisks one of the tenants away, never to be seen again. We get into this issue’s setpiece after that, the odd life story of a girl named Hungry Sally.

Listen, if you don’t like disturbing, creepy, gory stuff, Hungry Sally’s story is gonna put you off your lunch. If you do like disturbing, creepy, gory stuff, it’s still likely to be unlike anything you’ve read in a comic book before. It involves pregnancy. And flies. I don’t think I can tell more than that without spoiling it. Viewer discretion is advised.

Verdict: Thumbs up. Yow, very squishy. I’m certainly willing to give this another shot. With any luck, the involvement of Cain and Abel from the “Sandman” series could mean we’ll eventually see a story or two from Neil Gaiman himself. Well, that’s what I’ve got my fingers crossed for.

Hulk #3

Most of this issue is devoted to the red Hulk, still a man of mystery, fighting the new blue Abomination — the former Rick Jones, now calling himself A-Bomb. Their battle ends up freeing Bruce Banner and turning him back into the familiar green Hulk. And aside from all that, there’s Iron Man, She-Hulk, and S.H.I.E.L.D. trying to figure out who the new Hulk is.

Verdict: Thumbs up. I’m pretty sure I’ve figured out who the red Hulk is. Does that make me smarter than Tony Stark yet?

Countdown to Mystery #7

Bruce Gordon manages to free Plastic Man, the Creeper, and Dove from Eclipso’s influence, but a bunch of Eclipso worshippers manage to make Gordon turn into the villainous vengeance demon and merge him with a giant black diamond, vastly increasing his power. The only being who can stop him now is the Spectre, but the thousands of souls who he’s damned over the centuries are back and ready to take their own revenge. Elsewhere, the Helmet of Fate gets taken by someone who just ain’t ready for it, and it looks like a lot of people are going to pay a terrible price for her arrogance.

Verdict: Thumbs up. Let’s be honest, the only thing anyone should be caring about is the Dr. Fate story. This issue is basically the last story by the late Steve Gerber. The next issue is the last one for the series — it’ll be interesting to see how DC will resolve the story without Gerber guiding it.

Hulk #2

Well, SHIELD has tracked down the handgun used to kill the Abomination, and sure enough, it was somehow stolen from a SHIELD Helicarrier. How on earth did the Hulk get on board a Helicarrier to steal a frickin’ huge handgun? Maybe they can ask the Hulk since he’s RIGHT BEHIND YOU! Well, right behind SHIELD director Tony Stark. Red Hulk takes down She-Hulk pretty easy, ambushes Gen. Thunderbolt Ross and Doc Samson, hits Iron Man with jet planes, and wrecks the Helicarrier, mainly by taking out a few specialized systems that keep it in the air. Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, the Hulk also confronts Rick Jones, who has one heck of a surprise up his sleeve.

Obviously, we finally get our first real look at the new Red Hulk. On the Helicarrier over New York, he’s mostly a growling animal, though he knows exactly what parts of the ship to take out to make it crash. But in Alaska, he talks normally and intelligently, though he still seems pretty dadblasted murderous. Obviously, Rick Jones isn’t the Hulk after all, so who is this new Hulk?

I got a theory — of all of the people listed on the “character page” in the front of the comic — Bruce Banner, the Abomination, Iron Man, She-Hulk, General Ross, Doc Samson, Maria Hill, and Rick Jones — there are three who we never actually see at all in this issue — Banner is in lockdown in a prison in Alaska, the Abomination is dead… and Doc Samson just isn’t there. And isn’t it funny how Samson, a guy trained in psychology, was pulling off a full CSI analysis of last issue’s crime scene… almost as if he actually knew in advance how the crime was really committed? Of course, there’s still a possibility that there’s more than one Red Hulk — he seems to get from New York to Alaska awfully fast, and he seems to have a different personality from one place to the other, too.

Verdict: Thumbs up. Mystery!

Justice League of America #18

A bunch of supervillains afraid of getting sent off by the government to a prison planet (in other words, the “Salvation Run” miniseries) surrender to the Justice League in exchange for being given asylum. The Suicide Squad, a bunch of former villains who work for the government doing dirty black-ops jobs, show up to take custody but get turned away. Later, they sneak back when all the big guns are out, but they get their butts handed to them by Vixen, who now copies various metahuman powers instead of just animal powers. There’s also a backup story about Red Tornado deciding whether to take the risk of getting a new body, or continuing on as just a computer system aboard the JLA HQ.

Verdict: Thumbs down. The fight where Vixen takes out almost the entire Suicide Squad single-handedly is pretty cool, but this issue suffers the same problem as the last — they assume we all know about the “Salvation Run” series, they assume we know who Amanda Waller is, they assume we know who the Suicide Squad is. They assume we’re all fanboys who are clued in on all the minutiae of the DC Universe, and that we’re all reading every single pointless “event” comic that comes out. It’s not just that it’s the type of thing that’s going to confuse new readers and run them off — it’s also just plain sloppy storytelling.

Hulk #1

The Hulk is back, but he’s not the big green goliath we’re all familiar with. It starts off with Doc Samson, She-Hulk, Iron Man, and Gen. Thunderbolt Ross investigating an unusual murder in Russia. From the looks of it, the Abomination was attacked by the Hulk, beaten senseless, and then… shot to death with a handgun?!? Unfortunately, the investigation is interrupted by Red Guardian, Darkstar, Crimson Dynamo, and Ursa Major of Russia’s Winter Guard, which, of course, leads to the inevitable fistfight. Things settle down when a lone survivor of the attack is found — a traumatized little girl who is only able to say the word “red.” Meanwhile, longtime Hulk ally Rick Jones finds himself mysteriously lost and shirtless in the Alaskan wilderness, while Samson and Ross decide to track down some answers about the Hulk by turning to the world’s foremost expert on the Hulk — Bruce Banner, still safely in custody in Nevada.

Verdict: Thumbs up, with a ton of criticisms. First: We don’t actually see the Hulk at all — just some flashbacks. Second: killing the Abomination? He’s pretty much the main Hulk villain. Everyone knows he’ll be back by Issue #6. Third: I don’t understand the animosity between Doc Samson and She-Hulk — last time I remember seeing them together, they seemed to get along fine. Seems like poor characterization. However, for all those criticisms, I still enjoyed the issue. There’s not much question about who the Hulk is this time, but it should be entertaining finding out what turned Rick into a big red musclehead.