People, I don’t have much of anything I want to blog about today, so I’m just gonna sit here and deliberately stir up trouble.

What I am about to reveal here is the complete, objective truth.

For example:

Who was the best Green Lantern?

Answer: Kyle Rayner.

No, definitely not Hal Jordan. He’s always been a shallow, generally uninteresting character. “Fearless test pilot” isn’t a personality all by itself, and the people out there who seem to freakin’ worship Hal strike me as some of the weirdest people on earth. Yes, that includes the “Hal’s Emerald Attack Team” fanatics and Geoff Johns. As for the rest of them, Guy Gardner’s generally fun, but he’s mostly a gag character. I like John Stewart, especially in the Justice League cartoons. Simon Baz is too new. But Kyle, the last Green Lantern, uncertain, awkward, crab-masked, completely aware of his own fears, freelance artist with the no-yellow-impurity power ring? Kyle was the best.

Who was the best Flash?

Answer: Wally West.

Definitely, definitely not Barry Allen. Having a crew cut and a bow tie makes him the *worst* Flash. Wally was funnier, cooler, more interesting in every possible way — and of course, he was far, far, far faster.

Who was the best Robin?

Answer: Dick Grayson.

Really, I guess the best answer would be “Anyone but Jason Todd.” Because I really like all of the Robins. But Dick was the first Robin, he was Robin for the longest time, and he eventually ended up being the best possible Nightwing, so I’m giving the circus kid the crown.

Who was the best Batgirl?

Answer: Stephanie Brown.

Not to take anything away from Barbara Gordon or Cassandra Cain, because they were pretty cool, but as grim and gritty as the Bat-verse generally is, it was just plain awesome to get to read a Bat-title every month where the lead character wasn’t an emotionally-crippled basket case. Steph was fun and funny and had the best dialogue.

Who was the best Aquaman?

Answer: Bearded, hook-handed Aquaman.

Because I don’t care who writes him, the clean-shaven, orange-shirted nonentity from “Super Friends” just sucks on every possible level.

Who was the best Hawkgirl?

Answer: Kendra Saunders.

Mostly because I liked the idea of a Hawkgirl who, at least initially, didn’t want to be the back half of “Hawkman and” — she didn’t love Hawkman, and she wanted to be her own person. She was even in relationships with people other than Hawkman. Eventually, she fell in love with Hawkman in a way that felt more organic, realistic, and worthwhile, and that was fine with me. She certainly didn’t deserve to get exit-stage-lefted the way she did…

Who was the best Green Arrow?

Answer: The one with the beard.

I liked Connor Hawke, but he’d never be the equal of his dad. And Ollie without a beard just looks like a dork, so he’s gotta have the ridiculous beard.

Who was the best Hulk?

Answer: Angry green stupid Hulk.

I liked the Professor Hulk, actually. And the Green Scar was cool. Joe Fixit is always fun. But angry green stupid Hulk is the strongest one there is.

Who was the best Spider-Man?

Answer: The Peter Parker married to Mary Jane Watson.

Because Spider-Man isn’t Otto Octavius, and he doesn’t make deals with the Devil.

What are the best zombies? Fast or slow?

Answer: Slow zombies.

To quote Max Brooks: “Ha ha, there are no such things as fast zombies!”

So there we go, friends and neighbors, all the mysteries of life cleared up. Go on about your business, please.

Okay, so our last edition of Friday Night Fights featured the Hulk not really covering himself in glory when he, the most powerful creature in the Marvel Universe, fights a bear and accidentally breaks its neck because he’s too dim to know his own strength. But surely, that’s unfair to the Hulk — who wouldn’t get carried away doing something as awesome as fighting a bear? I bet he’s much more in-control of himself normally, right?

So, from the same comic as last week, November 1984’s Marvel Fanfare #17, in a story by David Anthony Kraft and Tony Salmons, the Hulk fights the cosmic menace of… a bighorn sheep.

OMG, Hulk, you are the worst.

It’s the end of the work-week, and we’re all needing a break from work and responsibility and everything else. What’s the best way to start the weekend? Obviously, you gotta start with… FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS!

Tonight’s battle comes to us from November 1984’s Marvel Fanfare #17, with a story by David Anthony Kraft and Tony Salmons. The Hulk is out roaming in the woods, causes some mayhem, accidentally starts a fire, and starts a stampede of animals, all the while complaining that all he wants is peace and quiet. And once a panicked bear attacks old Jade Jaws… well, things get even worse.

Holy bananas, the Hulk just gave that bear the Gwen Stacy treatment!

Smooth move, Green Genes. Maybe you wanna go off somewhere and stomp on some kittens, too?

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s been yet another heck-of-a-week, and the best way to recover from that and get your weekend started right is with a little of our old favorite: FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS!

Tonight’s battle comes to us all the way from January 1963’s The Incredible Hulk #5 by none other than Stan Lee and Jack Kirby, as a villain called Tyrannus menaces the Hulk, who responds by pulling a Samson on everyone…

And what’s that last sound effect? Barroom? Sounds like where I’m headed next. Y’all have a great weekend — see you back here Monday…

Hey, it’s Fourth of July weekend! That means it’s time to get into a special edition of Friday Night Fights that’s guaranteed to not start fires (’cause dagblast it, it’s dry as freakin’ kindling out there!) and is a perfect representation of America itself!

(digs in Friday Night Fight Files to find something that’ll fit the necessary criteria)

(digs some more)

Well, okay, fine. I’m never going to find a battle that features the Thing that fits the criteria. You don’t think Ben Grimm would ever fight Captain America, do you? NO WAY! (And if you find something that has Ben Grimm fighting Captain America… keep it quiet, bucko.)

So instead, here’s the Thing doing what he does best: from February 1976’s Fantastic Four #176, by Roy Thomas, George Perez, and Joe Sinnott: The Thing vs. the Hulk!

There we go — enjoy your (hopefully) long weekend, eat some barbecue, listen to some Sousa marches… and NO FREAKIN’ FIREWORKS! Ya wanna burn everything up, ya loons?!

Awright, I slacked off last week, but it’s time to pull out some scans from some actually decent fights for a change. So let’s kick out the jams and jump right into tonight’s edition of… FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS!

This evening’s battle looks like it might’ve been better suited to Halloween… but I don’t want to wait another nine months to use this, so it’s getting used right now. From December 2008’s Monster-Size Hulk #1, from a story by Jeff Parker and Gabriel Hardman — Victoria Frankenstein, the granddaughter of, well, Frankenstein, has used a gamma-powered blood transfusion to revive the legendary Monster of Frankenstein!

I hear hitting each other with tractors is the traditional way to celebrate Fridays in Transylvania.

Everyone have a great weekend, and I’ll see y’all back here on Monday.

Friends and neighbors, we’re at the end of the latest cycle of Friday Night Fights. What’ve we had in the last 12 weeks? Well, we’ve gotten to spotlight battles from Lovecraftian Killer Croc, alternate-future Green Arrow and the Atom, Tabitha Smith and Aaron Stack, Thor (and the winner of that week’s all-blogs contest), Nick Fury, Bruce Wayne, Captain America (another win for me!), another from Cap plus Iron Man, Spider Jerusalem, Brickhouse, Hellboy (another winner!), and Captain Marvel!

So tonight, we’ve got the prize round — I get to post another fight, you get to head over to SpaceBooger’s place (hmm, probably sometime around 9 or 10 tonight), look over the other entrants, and cast your vote for which one of us brought the best battle. Y’all ready?

My entry tonight is from all the way back in September 1973, with Marvel Feature #11 by Len Wein, Jim Starlin, and Joe Sinnott. There are some great comic book matchups all through comic history, but there are few that are as consistently awesome as the brawls between that blue-eyed idol of millions, the Thing, and ol’ Jade Jaws, the Hulk!

Awright, there you got it. Don’t forget, pay SpaceBooger a visit later tonight or this weekend and pick your favorite battles!

Man, I’ve spent too many days in a row reviewing comics (Yes, dangit, two days in a row is a lot. Because shut up, that’s why.), and I’m starting to run low on unreviewed comics besides. So, inspired by this from Snell and this from Kalinara, y’all give me your opinions on the vital question of WHO WOULD WIN?

The combatants:

Superman vs. the Hulk!

Both widely considered the strongest heroes in their individual universes, any conflict between these two often leads to widespread property damage. With his larger variety of powers (flight, heat vision, freezing breath, super-ventriloquism), the Man of Steel often ends up the victor in crossovers that feature these two characters, but the Jade Giant’s near-limitless strength (The madder Hulk gets, the stronger Hulk gets) means you can never count him out before the final bell.

We’ll go with a best-two-out-of-three battle.

Contest 1:

Pillow Fighting!

Contest 2:

Coin-op Galaga!

Contest 3:

Huggin’ Bunnies!

WHO WOULD WIN???

(My picks are in the comments…)

Spacebooger has declared a couple weeks of break-time for Friday Night Fights, but am I gonna listen to that guy? No way! We’re definitely going to keep the savage beat-downs rolling!

You just know tonight’s entry is going to be especially brutal, ’cause it’s based on 2007’s smashingly violent “World War Hulk” miniseries. So here’s the epic confrontation as interpreted by August 2008’s Mini-Marvels: Rock, Paper, Scissors by Chris Giarrusso:

Admit it — you did the same thing, didn’t you?