For the past two weeks, you have been utterly lost, bereft of that which sustains us all. It was most fortunate that you had Christmas and New Year’s to distract you from your sorrow, or who knows what could have happened? But have no fear! Your life has meaning again — your life has hope again! Your life has… FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS!

To kick off this next round of mighty battles, let’s turn to the highly, highly recommended “Planetary/Batman: Night on Earth” from August 2003, by Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, and David Baron, in which the Batman from “The Dark Knight Returns” puts his fist through the Drummer’s mostly defenseless face:

No, that’s not a very large picture, but you’ve spent the past two weeks with a bunch of “Peace on Earth, Goodwill toward Men” stuff — I didn’t think you’d be able to deal with a BIG picture of face-punching this severe yet. Maybe next week.

Well, the good news: Star Comics down on 34th has finally re-opened after their short Christmas vacation. Huzzah, I can get comics again! The bad news: my evening was a bit unexpectedly busy, and I haven’t even had time to read everything I picked up yet. And the worser-than-that news: the two I had time to read last night were dogs. The year is still young, but at least one of them is so bad, it may end up being the worst comic I read this year. So let’s get straight to the craptastic reviews…

The Flash #235

Well, the Flash recruits Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, and Black Lightning, from the Justice League, to help him take the fight to the aquatic aliens’ homeworld. Or homesea. Or wherever it is. It’s actually underwater, but the water there is so heavily oxygenated that it’s actually breathable. Yes, just like in “The Abyss.” So they’re all kicking sea monster butt until Flash suddenly realizes that they’re fighting illusions. He can’t get the rest of the heroes to break off their attack (because they’ve moved into “warrior-rage mode.” I’m sorry, but WHAT?!) so he heads back to Earth, since he figures the aliens have re-invaded the planet since they’re all distracted.

When Wally gets back to Earth, he finds that his son Jai has gone off on his own to fight the aliens. Flash finds him quickly enough and learns that Jai knows that the powers he and his sister have could kill them at any time. Wally tries to talk him out of his depression, then they go to fight the aliens.

Verdict: Thumbs down. I really can’t get over that howling bulldada about “warrior-rage mode.” Yes, a minute ago, a bunch of the world’s top-notch heroes were perfectly fine, after fighting for hours, and now they’re mindless berserker drones, and the world’s fastest man just can’t think of any way to break ’em out of the spell. Wow. That’s some high-quality monkey fertilizer right there, baby. And really, the rest of the issue ain’t all that great anyway. But “warrior-rage mode” was the 60-ton girder that broke the camel’s back.

Teen Titans #54

Most of the Titans and the future evil Titans Army have been taken over by Starro, who besides being an evil outer-space mind-controlling starfish, also has a Sinestro Corps ring. Umm, okay. The only people who are non-Starroed are Robin and Miss Martian (who both pretty much just watch stuff), Blue Beetle, and evil clone Kid Flash. Beetle and Kid Flash take out Starro, then the Titans Army all try to kill Beetle, Ravager, and Supergirl. Then some of the Army suddenly turn good. Then they all disappear. Then, um, something happens in the future, or maybe not, with some characters who are dead, and, and…

…

It makes no sense. None whatsoever. Holy cats, is this rotten stuff. I’ve been enjoying the recent “Teen Titans” comics, for the most part, so it’s a bit of a shock to see something this stupefyingly awful come out of this book. It’s just staggeringly inept.

Verdict: Thumbs down. Several thumbs down. Several dozen thumbs down.

 

Justice League of America #16

This is another one of those stories that’s gonna require some fairly extensive background info first. Back in 1997, DC published a small number of comics under a new imprint publishing arm they called “Tangent Comics.” The gimmick was that this was a superhero universe where all the characters had the names of DC characters but were completely different otherwise. Their version of the Atom was an atomic-powered energy-blaster; the Flash was a teenaged girl with light-based powers; the Joker was a crimefighting anarchist; the Green Lantern was a mystical artifact that could temporarily return the dead to life. In fact, Tangent’s version of the Green Lantern actually turned up in the regular DC Universe a while back, and it’s being kept in a storage locker by Guy Gardner.

And that’s where this story picks up, as a couple of no-luck lowlifes burglarize Guy’s storage building and somehow manage to activate the Green Lantern, which acts as an interdimensional teleporter, causing one of the burglars to switch universes with Tangent’s mega-powerful Atom. The Justice League — well, just Black Canary, Red Arrow, and John Stewart — respond to a police call about the incident. They manage to subdue the Atom and move him back to his proper universe, but they don’t realize that there’s another Tangent Universe hero in their universe — the Flash is stuck over here and doesn’t know how to get back home.

Verdict: Thumbs up, with some reservations. I really dug the Tangent concept when it first came out, so it’s neat to see some of these old characters. I wish they’d given the Atom more of a chance to shine, though. The JLA, on the other hand, gets plenty of opportunity to kick off some cool moments and lines — the best moment is probably Red Arrow defeating the Atom by beating him with garden implements. Unfortunately, this story isn’t going to be concluded in the next “Justice League” comic — it’s going to be in a miniseries about the Tangent Universe. I HATE comics that serve only to promote another comic series.

 

Countdown Presents: The Search for Ray Palmer: Superwoman/Batwoman

Wow, that is one way too long comic book title.

Well, we’ve got Donna Troy, Kyle Rayner, Jason Todd, and (ugh) Bob the Monitor searching, for some durn fool reason, for Ray Palmer, the Atom, who’s gone missing for the last couple of years. Since his miniaturization powers allow him to travel to other dimensions, they’re jumping from one alternate earth to another trying to track him down. This issue, they visit Earth-11, where genders are reversed. They watch as the world’s superheroines fight Wonder Man and his invading army of extremely hairy male Amazons. Aaaaand that’s about all that happens.

Verdict: Thumbs down. Boooooring.

Hey, I had January 1st off from work. Yay for me, right? Well, on New Year’s Eve, I spent many fun-filled hours playing City of Heroes, I got to go to sleep late, I got to wake up late… and from that point on, I pretty much had the worst day off imaginable. Let’s just leave it at that — if I could have a day off to recover from my day off, that would be just awesome. Anyway, let’s hit a quick review.

Birds of Prey #113

Believe it or not, this is actually the first issue of this comic I’ve ever read. And I dug it, so I’ll be picking up more of them.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with this, it’s about a mostly covert team of superheroes organized by Barbara Gordon, the former Batgirl now operating as a super-hacker called Oracle. The classic Birds of Prey team was just Oracle, operating behind the scenes, and Black Canary, doing all the fighting. The current team is a bit larger — Oracle is still the leader, with Huntress, Lady Blackhawk, and a somewhat crazed teenager named Misfit helping out.

This issue, the team is tracking a girl who wants desperately to be a major crime boss and is apparently planning on blowing up a truck bomb in Metropolis to do it. Huntress is riding the truck trying to talk the girl down, Lady Blackhawk is flying a plane in to try to blow it up a bit more safely from the air, Misfit is being over-exuberant and goofy, and Babs is trying to keep everything together. And the whole mission goes way, way bad. Like hundreds-of-people-dying bad. And when that many people die in Metropolis, Superman’s gonna want to have a word with the people involved.

Verdict: Thumbs up. Good grief, why didn’t I get on this comic years ago? The characterizations are fun, the action is great, and I love the way they get Oracle involved even while she’s just sitting in front of a bunch of computers. And Misfit is my new Favorite-Character-This-Month. I would love to see a Misfit miniseries. Anyone this funny needs a lot more guest appearances in comics.

 

“Gee, Scott, why illustrate your New Year’s post with something as grim as ‘House of Mystery?’ Couldn’t you have found a happier cover?”

Well, let’s just say that, the way I view 2008, that’s the most optimistic illustration I could use.

Countdown to Infinite Crisis: It’ll suck less, but it’ll still suck. And it’s going to lead into…

Infinite Crisis: …which is going to suuuuuck. Yes, even with Grant Morrison attached. Any changes made will be undone as soon as people start realizing how awful the changes are.

After Infinite Crisis: They’ll start planning for “Even Bigger Infinite Crisis.”

Spider-Man comics: Now that “One More Day” has thrown 20 years of Marvel’s continuity onto the trashheap, is there anything to look forward to? Actually, yes. We can look forward to, some morning in the next few months, when Marvel editor-in-chief Joe Quesada looks at his sales figures and his shredded continuity and realizes just how badly he’s screwed things up. On that day, I hope to be looking in his window, laughing loudly. And then I’ll hit him with a brick.

Other people I hope to hit with a brick in 2008: DC bigwigs Dan DiDio and Paul Levitz, hack artists Rob Liefeld and Greg Land, neo-nazi thugs in general, and that guy who stole all my other bricks.

Blue Beetle: I think it’s gonna get cancelled. Very bad news, but the sales numbers are weak, and DC’s already stuck with the title much longer than it normally would. Read it while you can, people. And if you’re enjoying other low-selling titles, enjoy them while they can. I’m thinking there’s gonna be a bloodbath of cancellations later this year.

Secret Invasion: One or two A-list characters will be revealed to be Skrulls, along with several dozen Z-list characters. The invasion will fail after killing another few Z-list characters. Joe Quesada will be revealed to be a Skrull, and Marvel will bring back Spider-Man’s marriage. The series will end with a warning that the Skrulls are still out there, and everyone must continue to be paranoid… and then it will never be referred to again.

Non-comics predictions: My same prediction as every year — things will get worse and worse and worse. More disasters, worse economy, more things to make you wanna hammer yer head against a wall. The worst candidates will get the nominations, and whoever wins will get busy making sure that 2009 is even worse than 2008. And yes, I tend to be right on these predictions a lot more often than I’m wrong. I’m not a pessimist — I’m a realist.

Special Forces #2

Felony, our underdressed war hero on the cover, is in waaaay over her head. Zone, the autistic soldier, keeps getting himself in more and more trouble because he thinks he has to complete his mission, no matter what. So off he goes, one eye on the toy soldier he’s obsessed with, the other on the list detailing his orders, blundering into the gunsights of way too many enemy insurgents. So in trying to defend both Zone and herself, Felony wastes an absolutely incredible number of insurgents, blows up a car bomb while it’s trying to run her over, gets in a fistfight with a terrorist, and dodges numerous bullets and rockets.

Verdict: Thumbs up. There’s an insane amount of action in this story. This issue isn’t as political as the last one was — who has time for politics when you’re riding on the hood of a car bomb, right? But it’s still a fantastic story so far, and Felony is definitely developing into the toughest soldier in a war comic since Sgt. Rock…

Booster Gold #5

Booster has a steep challenge this time — he has to stop the Joker from shooting and paralyzing Barbara “Batgirl” Gordon. Wait, wait, didn’t that already happen waaaaay back in 1988 in Alan Moore and Brian Bolland’s “The Killing Joke”? Does that mean that Booster has a chance to go back in time, prevent Barbara’s paralysis, completely pre-empt the entire “Birds of Prey” series, and more? Is Booster about to have an impact on DC’s real continuity?

Well, no. The Joker may not have any powers and may not be considered much of a fighter, but he gives Batman fits on a regular basis, so he’s a lot better than Booster can take on. But he tries over and over and over, until Rip Hunter finally tells him that it’s just not possible to stop the Joker — his shooting of Barbara Gordon is something that’s completely unchangeable.

Also, we finally learn who Supernova’s masters are: the immortal Ultra-Humanite, interstellar tyrant Despero, and time-traveling fascist Per Degaton. And we get a good look at Rip Hunter’s Time Blackboard, which reveals various clues about the DCU’s future…

Verdict: Thumbs up, I think. I don’t know that I’m happy with the idea of letting the Joker shoot Babs Gordon over and over, from Booster’s viewpoint, but the characterization seems good, there’s good action, good intrigue, and and it never hurts to be reminded of what a complete rotter the Joker is. And I love the fact that so much of the art recreates the look of Bolland’s art in “The Killing Joke.”

Word on the street has it that Stan Lee, co-creator of Spider-Man, the Fantastic Four, the X-Men, the Hulk, Captain America, Iron Man, Thor, Dr. Strange, Daredevil, and many more, is 85 years old today.

So if you see him hanging around your office today, tell him happy birthday and ask him for a slice of cake.

Well, there won’t be any new comics coming in this week here in Lubbock, but I’ve still got a lot of comics I can review from last week, so let’s hit a couple of them right now.

 

Wonder Woman #15

We start off with a glimpse of the distant past as Queen Hippolyta’s honor guard slowly lets their loyalty to her be replaced by demented and ultimately treasonous obsession with her. From there, we jump to the modern day, as Wonder Woman beats the snot out of Captain Nazi and then, touchingly, empathizes with the tortures he suffered as a child. From him, she learns that a bunch of neo-nazis are about to take over the mostly-deserted Paradise Island (though it looks like Hippolyta herself is doing some good old-fashioned nazi-stompage of her own). Diana wants to get to the island, but Athena has blocked off all access to the island, so she has to go ask members of Earth’s other pantheons for assistance in getting back home.

Verdict: Thumbs up. First, Terry Dodson’s artwork is just outstanding. Second, I actually enjoyed the scene with Captain Nazi — yeah, he gets thoroughly clobbered — as all nazis should be clobbered, of course — but when she forces him to confront the abuse he suffered as a child, and he starts just weeping and blubbering about it, and she feels sympathy for him — that’s getting something that’s been missing from Diana’s character for an awfully long time. The character seems to work best as a compassionate ass-kicker, despite all the contradictions involved. And the idea of Diana pledging her allegiance to a pantheon other than the Olympians is looking like something that’ll be really, really interesting.

 

She-Hulk #24

Well, we meet a little more of She-Hulk’s new supporting cast. Besides Jazinda, there’s an arrogant cop, the folks at the trailer park where Jen and Jazinda live, the people at the bonding company where Jen works, the mysterious new terrorist who’s got a mad on for She-Hulk. There’s a bombing, and She-Hulk pulls people to safety.

Verdict: I gotta give it a thumbs down. I love seeing good character development and interaction, but right now, we don’t have a plot or a direction for the comic. Once we get a good overarching plot going, this book is gonna start shining, but for now, it’s motionless.

 

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to December 26th, or as I prefer to call it, International Seasonal Let-Down Day.

You’ve been stuffed full of turkey, ham, and sweet potatoes, and you still have another two weeks of leftovers to look forward to. And after you’re done with the leftovers? You get to diet. Not that you’ll actually lose that weight, but you gotta do it anyway.

Your presents were nice, but you’re already a little bored with them. You’ve got gift cards and Christmas cash to use, but you also know your credit card bills are coming. And rent’s coming due, too.

You have to take the tree, the lights, and all the decorations down.

Uncle Ronnie was both shirtless and drunk before noon yesterday.

Peace on Earth and Goodwill toward Men completely failed to materialize for the 2,007th year in a row.

The coldest, most miserable part of winter is still ahead of you.

And if you’re like me, you have to go back to work today.

So no real blogging today. Just work.