We’re still celebrating the Fourth of July, and we’ve gotten to point of the evening where we can start blowing stuff up. While we’re remembering not to blow our fingers off with fireworks — and also not to set off fireworks late at night outside my window while I’m trying to sleep — let’s enjoy some Friday Night Fights featuring our favorite patriotic hero and the most glorious French supervillain stereotype!

From December 1980’s Captain America #252 by John Byrne, Roger L. Stern, Joe Rubinstein, and Bob Sharen, the diabolical Mr. Hyde has a twisted plan to destroy New York City, just to avenge himself on one fellow supervillain. But he didn’t count on the always fantastic… Batroc! Ze Leapair!

Soon enough, Captain America has joined the fight, leaving the two Revolutionary War allies fighting against the villain inspired by a British novel. So it’s historical and educational!

Everyone have a wonderful Independence Day — and again, stop setting off those firecrackers outside my window! DON’T MAKE ME COME OUT THERE WITH THE HOSE, YOU PUNKS!

Okay, it’s the first new post and the first Friday Night Fights of 2014. Yay, I think?

Tonight’s battle comes to us from September 1989’s Captain America #357 by Mark Gruenwald, Kieron Dwyer, and Al Milgrom. Diamondback was Cap’s girlfriend at the time, and was investigating a case when she ran into a bunch of supervillains…

Zut Allors! Batroc, you are such zee gentlemain! But your foot is such zee malfaiteur!

Alright, lads and ladettes, it’s another Friday night at the beginning of another much-too-short weekend, so let’s try to squeeze all the enjoyment we can out of these meager few days before Monday kicks us in the butt again. In other words, tighten your shorts, pilgrim, it’s… FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS!

Tonight’s battle is from June 2009’s Marvel Adventures: The Avengers #35 by Paul Tobin and Casey Jones, in which Batroc the Leaper pays the team a visit to talk a little smack and leap into a little butt-whuppery.

And if a Frenchman kicking an archer in the face doesn’t get you in the mood to party, there’s something wrong with your party glands.

The Amazing Spider-Man #573

It’s the end of the “New Ways to Die” storyarc, which really ought to get an award for both the dumbest storyarc title and for dumbest new villain — namely, Anti-Venom: former regular Venom Eddie Brock now wearing some kind of negative-colored Venom outfit and with a mad-on for the current Venom, Mac Gargan, the former Scorpion. Hey, I just felt some of my brain cells die just from describing that! Anyway, Spidey and (snicker) Anti-Venom beat up Norman Osborne and Venom and various people and then everything goes back to the regular status quo.

Oh, but what everyone really cares about is the backup story, which stars Stephen Colbert, host of “The Colbert Report.” Most of y’all may remember that Colbert briefly threw his hat into the presidential race earlier this year — well, in Marvel’s continuity, Colbert is (A) exactly like his rightwing blowhard character on “The Colbert Report” and (B) is an actual candidate for the presidency. Well, Colbert’s candidacy ain’t goin’ so well. His most recent contribution is from Daily Bugle publisher J. Jonah Jameson, and it’s for a measly $100. His rallies are marked by an awful lot of apathy and not many people. In frustration, he gives up his campaign, until he runs into Spider-Man fighting a supervillain called (GASP!) the Grizzly! He helps Spidey beat the bad guy and gets to go web-slinging with the Wall-Crawler.

Verdict: Thumbs down for the main story. Dull, dull, dull, and stupid, stupid, stupid. However, a big thumbs up for the Colbert backup story. Much fun, very goofy, and still fairly action-packed. Ya know what’d be cool? If Colbert ends up becoming president of Marvel’s version of the USA. That’d rock soooo hard.

Atomic Robo: Dogs of War #3

Robo has managed to put most of the Nazis’ walking tanks out of commission, but now he’s on the trail of the Nazibots’ designer, Otto Skorzeny. But there’s another Allied agent tracking Skorzeny, a British agent called the Sparrow, and they end up getting in each others’ way and on each others’ nerves while they’re doing their Nazi-bashing. And complicating things even more are some more Nazi experimental monsters closing in on everyone.

Verdict: Thumbs up. More over-the-top action and Nazi bashing. All the action here takes place in and on top of a speeding train, which keeps things nicely focused and intense.

Captain America #43

Several different things going on here. We get World War II flashbacks with Cap, Bucky, and the Human Torch. We get Bucky smoochin’ with the Black Widow. And best of all, we get the return of Batroc the Leaper! Batroc’s French may be the most accurate it’s ever been (as far as I can tell — it’s not like I can read French anyway), and he actually manages to uncover Bucky’s secret identity as both the new Captain America and as the former Winter Soldier.

Verdict: Thumbs up. Hey, it’s Batroc the Leaper! BATROC ZE LEAPAIR!

Friday Night Fights and Leap Year Day happening on the same day? This calls for one thing:

Batroc the Leaper!

Oh, okay, Batroc, we’ll try it your way. Batroc ze Leapair!

Parlez-vous face-kicking, oui?

(From 2003’s Avengers/JLA #4 by Kurt Busiek and George Perez)