So it’s Independence Day, and that generally means I post a bunch of comics covers with flags on ’em, right? I really don’t feel like doing that this year.

Let’s be honest — it’s a rotten time to be an American. We’re ruled by a bunch of fascist dumbfucks. At least 70 million of our fellow citizens believe Nazis are Very Fine People and won’t hesitate to kill any of us when their Combover Pedophile God Emperor demands it. The Republicans in Congress know they’d get their ass whupped in a fair election, so they’re busy sending election machine passwords and the nuclear codes to the Russians. And 99% of the cops in this country are champing at the bit to go full Mindless Horde on the rest of the country if we won’t give them medals for committing crimes.

Not to say there isn’t hope for the future — but we’ll have to exterminate 70 million cultists who’ve been successfully converted into Nazi cultists. And the only people who have the stomach to kill that many people are the Nazi cultists.

Still, if you need some inspiration for a better Independence Day, let’s turn to comics.

Happy Fourth. Let’s hope it’s not our last.

We’re still celebrating the Fourth of July, and we’ve gotten to point of the evening where we can start blowing stuff up. While we’re remembering not to blow our fingers off with fireworks — and also not to set off fireworks late at night outside my window while I’m trying to sleep — let’s enjoy some Friday Night Fights featuring our favorite patriotic hero and the most glorious French supervillain stereotype!

From December 1980’s Captain America #252 by John Byrne, Roger L. Stern, Joe Rubinstein, and Bob Sharen, the diabolical Mr. Hyde has a twisted plan to destroy New York City, just to avenge himself on one fellow supervillain. But he didn’t count on the always fantastic… Batroc! Ze Leapair!

Soon enough, Captain America has joined the fight, leaving the two Revolutionary War allies fighting against the villain inspired by a British novel. So it’s historical and educational!

Everyone have a wonderful Independence Day — and again, stop setting off those firecrackers outside my window! DON’T MAKE ME COME OUT THERE WITH THE HOSE, YOU PUNKS!

Huzzah, it’s the Fourth of July! Let’s celebrate our nation’s independence with a bunch of patriotic comic book covers!

America’s a pretty keen place! Now if only we could convince our legislators, Supreme Court justices, preachers, and national pundits that it’s true.

Well, now, I hope y’all all enjoyed Independence Day yesterday. I hope you ate hot dogs and safely blew up firecrackers and enjoyed parades and randomly screamed “AMURICAAA!” as we USAnians are, of course, prone to do. But it doesn’t mean it’s too late to commemorate our national patriotism with a little… FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS!

Tonight’s brawl comes to us from October 1941’s Fight Comics #15 by Dan Zolnerowich and an unknown writer. Here’s some cat calling himself Super-American beating up — I don’t know, Hitler? Mussolini? Hitlerlini? Anyway, FIGHTIN’ AHOY.

And if you don’t get a thrill out of watching a man in a gaudy costume beat up a fascist dictator, well, you best turn in yore Good American card and your Honey Boo-Boo DVD box set…

Holy John Philip Sousa, Batman! It’s Independence Day! That means it’s time to post a whole bunch of patriotic comic book covers!

(Please remember to use your fireworks safely and responsibly.)

Well, according to my calendar, the United States is now… (consults almanac, punches numbers into calculator, counts fingers)… really, really old. Definitely old enough to buy beer, cigarettes, and porn. WAY TO GO, AMERICA!

Now let’s celebrate in a much more age-appropriate manner.

And I’d like to remind y’all in Lubbock and anywhere else across the Southwest not to blow up fireworks this year. It’s too dadgummed hot and dry, and you’ll start a fire. So just skip the firecrackers, seriously.

This would be a great time for me to post something in-depth and profound about the greatness of America, the founding documents, the founders themselves, and the millions of people, civilians and military alike, who’ve helped make the country great. Unfortunately, I went and blew my fingers off with firecrackers, so we’ll just have to go with a bunch of comic book covers.

(Please use your fireworks safely and responsibly.)