Marvel Adventures: The Avengers #36

Tigra has accidentally released a genie, and while he’s willing to grant her some wishes, what he really wants to do is kill the Hulk. Apparently, in the future, the Hulk goes back in time to 500 years ago and gets the genie imprisoned in a necklace — so the genie’s mad at the Hulkster for something he hasn’t even done yet. Tigra could just use her wishes to wish the genie away, but she knows that magical wishes tend to get twisted into something really awful. But the problem with fighting a genie is that he can do anything, and the Avengers, for all their power, can’t do that. Is there any way for the team to survive?

Verdict: Thumbs up. Yet another extremely fun issue, with Tigra accidentally making wishes, Wolverine scarfing down sausages, and Spider-Man making lots of great wisecracks. The solution to the problem ends up being perfect and fairly funny all on its own.

Wonder Woman #32

Most of this issue is a slugfest between Wonder Woman and Genocide, revealed as the future corpse of Wondy empowered with her own Lasso of Truth. Genocide makes her plans to kill pretty much everyone and forces Diana to tell Tom Tessier that she never really loved him. And beyond that — really, just a whole heck of a lot of people smashing each other in the face.

Verdict: Thumbs down. I don’t mind an all-smashing issue, but it’s gotta be really spectacular smashing, and this just ain’t it. And even worse, this storyarc still isn’t over! Haven’t we all had enough of storyarcs that take most of a year to complete?!

B.P.R.D.: The Black Goddess #4

There’s an awful lot of back-and-forth going on here. Johann Kraus is sneaking into the hidden city, dragons are aiding the soldiers and warrior monks against the frogs and sub-humans and giant bugs, and Memnan Saa tells stories of ancient myths to rationalize his plans to save only a tiny portion of humanity from the invaders.

Verdict: Thumbs down. The fight scenes are good, and Memnan Saa has one very good badass moment, but this story has been going on for a long, long time, and it should’ve been over by now.

Wonder Woman #31

Well, Hippolyta’s former honor guard allies itself with Ares, while Wonder Woman gets weepy about Etta Candy and gets comforted by Dr. T.O. Morrow, of all people. Achilles and his crazy Greek dudes attack the UN, and a nurse gets possessed by Athena to prophesy various dooms and reveal that Genocide is actually the future dead body of Wonder Woman herself. Wondy also smacks Achilles around a little and then punches out a nuclear bomb.

Verdict: Thumbs down. Even the bit with the nuke ended up dull, and the rest of it was really beyond boring. This is another story that has gone on way, way too long.

Captain America Comics 70th Anniversary Special #1

This is the first of a series of comics Marvel is putting out to commemorate their 70th birthday. And I gotta say, I love the cover, with Cap and Bucky beating the snot out of Nazis, plus that retro “Timely Comics” banner — for those of you who aren’t as up on comics history, Timely was Marvel’s original name.

Anyway, our main story is written by James Robinson, one of my favorite comics writers, with illustrations by Marcos Martin. It tells a story of Steve Rogers before he became Captain America, when he was a skinny 4-F reject, heartbroken that he won’t be able to serve his country. But by blind luck, a murdered fed pushes a mysterious jewel into his hands, and Steve is on the run from a gang of Nazi saboteurs. He manages to elude them, even manages to kill a couple of them. He even pulls off some fancy stunts with a garbage can lid that suggest that Cap’s later shield-throwing abilities didn’t come from the super-soldier serum.

And there’s a followup story, a reprint from Captain America Comics #7 in 1941 by Joe Simon and Jack Kirby. Far from the battlefields of WWII, it details Cap and Bucky’s battle against a villain called the Toad as he tries to ruin the Brookly Badgers baseball team by killing off the players. It’s a decent story, but I kept getting distracted by the villain, who despite being called the Toad, wears a costume that looks like this:

Siiiigh. You almost wish they’d just called him Batman. (Dig the jawline on his lowlife henchman, though)

Verdict: Thumbs up. The Simon and Kirby reprint is a great bonus, but the main story really is excellent. Steve’s dejection at being rejected by the Army is really well done, the chase through New York is excellent and thrilling, and the framing sequence — Cap and Bucky preparing for a paratrooper jump over Europe — is also very good. Gotta love the way 4-F Steve manages to take out so many Nazis, even if he gets winded and banged-up in the process. And of course, there are very few things, either in comics or in the real world, that are more awesome than beating the heil out of Nazis! This is just a plain wonderful comic from beginning to end.

Wonder Woman #30

Genocide is torturing Etta Candy, Zeus has resurrected Achilles to serve as his warmongering peacenik ambassador to the Earth, and Wonder Woman beats up on Cheetah, mashes the Secret Society’s headquarters, and gains Dr. T.O. Morrow as a new (though probably temporary) ally.

Verdict: Ehhh. It seems fairly well produced, but I’m just colossally bored with this whole storyline.

Pfyew. Some of the comics I got last week have previously been pretty good, and created by writers with excellent reputations, but they still just absolutely stunk on toast. Let’s roll out the manure wagon…

Justice Society of America #24

Billy Batson has lost his powers as Captain Marvel and can no longer get to the Rock of Eternity. He enlists the JSA’s help so they can help him take care of Black Adam and Isis. They’re able to use Alan Scott’s Green Lantern ring to get to Billy’s Magic Subway Train to Magic Mountain, while Billy tells the story of how Black Adam killed his parents and how his ghost daddy helped him get his powers. Isis throws Billy into the magic mists outside the Rock of Eternity; Flash saves him but is himself lost. Mary Marvel shows up, and she’s still Crazy-Pink-Pigtails-Evil-Girl. Finally, Flash gets rescued by Billy’s ghost daddy so they can go somewhere called the “Rock of Finality.”

Verdict: Thumbs down. Okay, I know this is all an attempt to push the reset button, turn Mary normal again, get Billy back in his usual red Captain Marvel togs, and install Billy’s dad as the new Wizard Shazam, but this is just painfully bad stuff. Geoff Johns should be embarrassed that he wrote something this idiotic.

Wonder Woman #29

Everyone’s gotten their butts stomped by Genocide. Donna Troy’s gone nuts. Dr. Psycho is controlling Sgt. Steel. The Argonauts are attacking battleships. Cheetah attacks Wonder Woman, Zeus kills Milohai, Wonder Woman’s new patron god, and Genocide has kidnapped Etta Candy.

Verdict: Thumbs down. This is the worst comic I’ve read in ages. Even the giant squid the Argonauts bring along can’t save it. Gail Simone is supposed to be better than this.

Before I get too far, I’d like to point out that “Being Human” — the BBC horror/dramedy I wrote about a couple of days ago — is going to be aired sometime this year on BBC America. Probably won’t mean much to me, ’cause I can’t afford cable, but for those of you who can get BBC America, you’ll be able to see this show. (Of course, it seems likely that we’ll be able to get some episodes through iTunes, too.)

And in news of “When Nerds Go Bad,” here’s an article about a guy who robbed a convenience store with a Klingon sword.

Okay, let’s get a few reviews out of the way, oy?

The Umbrella Academy: Dallas #3

The Seance has been captured by cartoon-headed super-assassins Hazel and Cha-Cha but he manages to psychically communicate with Spaceboy, who finally gets his fat butt off the couch. Unfortunately, Seance still gets killed anyway. Then he meets God, who’s a cowboy. He’s a fairly dim cowboy, actually. And though he doesn’t much like Seance, he knows the Devil won’t like him either, so he returns him to life. Meanwhile, Number Five tells Rumor about the time he spent in the future as an elderly, cybernetically- and genetically-enhanced time-assassin.

Verdict: Thumbs up. I’m still amazed that this series has been so good and so fun. Seriously, first time I heard of it, I figured it’d just be a little vanity project for the singer from My Chemical Romance. Lo and behold, Gerard Way is actually one heck of a writer!

Justice Society of America #23

Who’s leaving, who’s coming back? Well, Hawkman’s gotten kicked out. Good. Weird shirtless, crabby, winged, mace weirdo. Amazing-Man and Citizen Steel are out. Boo! They were both cool. Magog’s out, Lightning is in, Wildcat Junior is in, Cyclone is in, Damage is in, and Atom-Smasher wants back in. The main part of the story focuses on Black Adam and Isis, and it’s creepy. Isis has been held prisoner by Felix Faust, and he’s used a spell to make her unable to move. Nothing specific or concrete is shown, but it’s very heavily implied that Faust has been raping her. Like, for months. Black Adam tracks them down, frees Isis, and knocks Faust around a little, then it’s (again) implied that Isis, um, tears his manly bits off. And she wants revenge on the whole world, so she and Black Adam break into the Rock of Eternity, beat the stuffing out of Billy Batson in his grey-haired wizard Captain Marvel phase, and take away his powers.

Verdict: I’m gonna thumbs-down this one. There’s way too much rape and junk-ripping in more adult-oriented comics without dragging it into the Justice Society’s book. Could the same result (Isis wanting revenge on the world and attacking Captain Marvel) have been accomplished without pointlessly and gratuitously subjecting more characters to rape and torture? Oh, you betcha.

Wonder Woman #28

An injured Wonder Woman mobilizes her Gorilla City allies, Nemesis, Wonder Girl, and Donna Troy in the fight against Genocide. Much hitting occurs. Much, much hitting. Mixed with some angst. But mostly hitting.

Verdict: Thumbs down. Bored now.

Justice Society of America #22

The mask is off — Gog is seriously bad news. And the gloves are off — the entire Justice Society, including Gog’s former supporters, come together to put some serious hurt on the gigantic god. They even lop his head off! Not that he gets killed by that, but it does give the Kingdom Come Superman and Starman a chance to take Gog’s head to the “Source Wall” where the other gods of the Third World are entombed. You’d think that would be the end of the story, but Supes has Starman return him to his home dimension, where the rest of the “Kingdom Come” series plays out to its conclusion… and beyond, as we get some quick glances into the next thousand years of Superman’s story.

Verdict: Thumbs up. This was a really excellent conclusion to an extremely long storyarc. I think it should’ve been a great deal shorter, but I certainly can’t fault the ending. We also get some pretty Alex Ross art for the scenes set on “Earth-22”. And yes, the Justice Society gets to appear, too, and they have a lot of good story beats here as well. All around, a very, very good issue.

Top 10: Season Two #3

Lt. Peregrine’s husband goes off on an “origin weekend” — think of it as a “Promise Keepers” con-game for roleplaying super-people — and gets a lot more than he bargained for. The formerly hypercompetent Sung Li runs into serious trouble against the Red Ring Gang. And Duane Bodine and Pete Cheney barely manage to stop a wizard handing out magic words to superpowered stooges, but something weird happens to Cheney afterwards.

Verdict: Thumbs up. On one hand, I’m not real thrilled with the new emphasis on Peregrine’s husband, but the rest of this is really extremely awesome. Cheney is the same old dimwit, Sung Li is facing entirely unexpected challenges, Bodine is still the best and most level-headed cop on the force. And please pay special attention to the buffet at the origin weekend — funniest food jokes you’ll ever see in a police procedural comic.

Wonder Woman #27

Well, Wonder Woman has gotten completely stomped by the man-made god called Genocide — and she’s taken the Lasso of Truth, which she has the Secret Society surgically implant within her, making her even more powerful. Meanwhile, Sarge Steel has gone murderously insane, and the gods of Olympus have returned, which doesn’t mean anything good for the remaining Amazons.

Verdict: Ehh, not great, but not awful either. Genocide is an interesting opponent for Wondy, but Diana spends the entire issue moping around and looking defeated, which just isn’t a good look for her.

Atomic Robo: Dogs of War #5

The conculsion of this story starts out with Robo getting captured by the Nazis and turned into a power source for their newest super-weapon. He gets rescued by a Scottish commando with an outrageous accent, but has to spend the rest of the issue legless and later down another hand. Can Robo and the scotsman put an end to Skorzeny’s evil schemes?

Verdict: I’m gonna give it a thumbs down. The conclusion just felt a bit flat. And the scotsman was an interesting and amusing character, but this series felt a bit like the creators were throwing a bunch of different characters out there for brief guest-starring roles. For the big conclusion, we should’ve seen the Sparrow and the other previous guest stars, too.

For the first Friday Night Fights of 2009, I’m pulling out all the stops. From 2005’s Bizarro World anthology, here’s the big fight between Wonder Woman and Supergirl from “Super-Dumped” by Johnny Ryan and Dave Cooper.

Not sure that’s technically an “epic,” but it’s sure got all the violence you’ll need this weekend.

The Umbrella Academy: Dallas #1

It’s the day after the Umbrella Academy defeated the White Violin and the Orchestra Verdammten. The Seance is still an acclaimed hero, The Rumor is still unable to speak, the White Violin is still paralyzed with no memory of what happened, and Professor Pogo is still dead. The Rumor takes her ultimately futile revenge on her brain-damaged sister by making her watch news video of the chaos her attacks caused. Spaceboy is enjoying a little reality TV. The Kraken is back to beating the snot out of criminals. Number Five is losing money at the dogtrack and getting attacked by — and slaughtering — legions of goons from the future. But do any of them stand a chance against… Hazel and Cha-Cha?

Verdict: Thumbs up. More great stuff from Gerard Way and Gabriel Ba. Perhaps the most fun thing about this issue is the flashback to the Academy’s childhood, when they fought the mystically animated statue of Abraham Lincoln from the Lincoln Memorial. The Rumor’s method of dispatching the evil presidential statue is exceedingly cool.

Blue Beetle #33

The Teen Titans are helping Blue Beetle and Peacemaker watch over a “Day Without Immigrants” protest in El Paso. Emotions are high — and for some reason, that’s when a bunch of Dr. Polaris’ magnetically-powered goons show up to attack all the protestors. Once everyone realizes this is just a diversion to distract everyone from Dr. Polaris’ real scheme at White Sands, how is Jaime, with his established weakness to magnetic fields, going to handle the magnetic villain all by himself?

Verdict: Thumbs up. I found myself wanting to dislike this, but there’s just too much good stuff. Peacemaker worrying that he hangs around too many kids, Kid Devil enthusing over breakfast tacos, more great patter from Paco and Brenda (and namedropping Hellboy, too!), Wonder Girl getting off an unusual number of good one-liners, and Jaime once again using science to defeat bad guys.

Wonder Woman #26

The Greek gods return to Olympus to find that it’s been creatively defiled by Darkseid’s New Gods. Elsewhere, Diana Prince and her team of agents from the DMA respond to an emergency call at a shopping mall to find a lot of destruction and a lot of dead or dying civilians. When Wonder Woman investigates, she finds something calling itself Genocide, something that appears to be a god, and it effortlessly beats the snot out of her.

Verdict: Ehh, not sure yet. Wondy getting her butt kicked is rare enough in this comic — are they going to come up with something good to go along with it, or is this just another cheesy tie-in with “Final Crisis”?

Bahlactus has been running Friday Night Fights almost every week since March 2007, and he’s decreed that tonight’s gonna be the last one.

That’s some 19 months of face-rockin’, chin-checkin’, pain-bringin’, and head-bustin’. Over 70 weeks of kicks to the face, fists to the face, baseball bats to the face, and car batteries to the face. Bahlactus freestyles all the participants every week, and a while back, he was actually giving away comics to the folks who signed up. I enjoy the heck out of Friday Night Fights, and I hate to see it end, but Bahlactus is the man, and if he wants to call the series quits, I ain’t tough enough to stop him.

So we got multiple themes running tonight — we need some righteous violence first, our theme is still “Ladies Night,” so a woman’s gotta be involved in the righteous violence, and it’s Halloween, so we need to add some monsters into the equation. Let’s spin the Wheel of Hurtin’ and see what comes up.

From 1998’s Vampirella #3 — a comic with some serious pedigree, as it was written by none other than Grant Morrison and Mark Millar, with art provided by Amanda Conner and Jimmy Palmiotti. Let’s set our scene — Vampirella is looking to dust a bunch of vampires. Our favorite scantily-clad pseudo-vampiric vampire hunter has a bomb to take care of most of them, but for the leader, sometimes the old ways are best:

In other words, Vampi’s gonna drive a wooden stake through a vampire’s face.

Nice. A very happy, gory, vampire-free Halloween to us all.

But dangit, I can’t let the last Friday Night Fights go with just one fight. Lemme dredge up the fight I was originally going to use, if the last round hadn’t hit on Halloween. This is from 2004’s JLA #90 by Joe Kelly, ChrisCross, and Tom Nguyen, in which Wonder Woman, in an artificially-induced dream sequence, uses the back of the Joker’s head to refurbish a wall.

Wwwwwow. That’s why ChrisCross is one of my favorite artists.

And finally: Bahlactus, thank you. I, and probably everyone else who’s participated in and enjoyed Friday Night Fights, owe you a whole bunch of six-packs in gratitude for all this fun and mayhem. Thanks, thanks, a million, billion thanks.

Always bet on Bahlactus.

Secret Six #2

While Catman distracts Batman with a big fight up and down Gotham’s skyscrapers, Deadshot, Scandal, Ragdoll, and Bane break into Alcatraz so they can break Tarantula out. Of course, things don’t go too smoothly, especially after super-strong trustee Mammoth shows up to stir up trouble. And Junior, the monstrously creepy crime boss who lives in a trunk, crawls out into the open just long enough to offer the world’s metavillains a bounty of $10 million for each one of the Six.

Verdict: Thumbs up. This book is so, so, so very wonderful. Action galore, awesome dialogue galore. Ragdoll is hilarious, Deadshot is hilarious, Bane is hilarious. Even Batman is kinda hilarious. Batman eats take-out burritos. Mammoth gets hit in his ornament-things. The only person here who isn’t hilarious is Junior. He’s just scary and creepy. Okay, he’s a little bit hilarious. You should be reading this book — it’s big fun.

Wonder Woman #25

The Queen of Fables is back, attacking Wonder Woman in Hollywood because she believes Wondy is Snow White. The Queen tries to trap Wondy in her vision for a “Wonder Woman” movie — all rotten dialogue, skimpy costumes, terrible history, and insulting plot twists. Eventually, we get a face-to-face battle between Diana and the Queen, and luckily, the planned movie gets put into turnaround.

Verdict: Thumbs up. This one is a blast, at least partly because of Wondy’s mortified embarrassment about how bad the film of her life is going to be. All the movie-related banter is also pretty enjoyable. The Queen of Fables is a good villain — it’s too bad she isn’t used more often. She also gets the best line in the book: “I will feed you in pieces to three separate bears!” Something tells me Gail Simone had a lot of fun writing this one.

George R.R. Martin’s Wild Cards: The Hard Call #4

It’s been a while since the last issue of this one — I figured I’d missed ’em all. Alex is a new ace — one of the lucky few gifted with superpowers by an alien xenovirus that kills or disfigures almost everyone who contracts it. In an attempt to find Kira, a recently disfigured joker, who’s been kidnapped, Alex has enlisted the help of the infamous Croyd “The Sleeper” Crenson, an ace who gets new powers every time he goes to sleep and who’s prone to abusing uppers to the point of murderous psychosis. Meanwhile, the Jokertown Clinic’s counselor, Fallon, has started stealing and releasing the “Black Trump” virus, which is designed to reverse the effects of the Wild Card virus — unfortunately, it kills as many as it cures. Will Alex and Croyd be able to find Fallon before he kills again?

Verdict: Thumbs up. I’m a sucker for the “Wild Cards” series, sure, but I’m also enjoying the story a lot. Croyd was always one of my favorite characters in the novels, so it’s nice to see him getting a nice starring role in this one.