Tails of the Pet Avengers #1

The Pet Avengers, from the recently completed miniseries and the soon-to-begin ongoing series, are back in a one-shot full of short solo adventures. Frog Thor returns to his frog tribe in Central Park to fight off alligators and ponder whether his godlike power is too powerful for his tribe’s own good. Zabu fights off some raptors and adopts some new kids into his family. Ms. Lion helps save a cruise ship from poisoners. Lockjaw battles Mad-Dog for the Inhumans’ Terrigen Mists. Lockheed helps make a lonely girl’s prom night perfect. Redwing must deal with unwanted help as he stops jewel thieves.

Verdict: Thumbs up. Fun stories for kids of all ages. Heck, there’s not a bad story in the whole bunch.

Batgirl #7

Batman has been shot down by a trio of supervillains so gambling queen Roulette can take bets on who will manage to kill him first. Batgirl gets ditched by bratty Damian Wayne, the new pre-teen Robin, so Oracle gets her a shiny new Batgirl-Cycle so she can make it in time to help. At that point, it’s Robin and Batgirl, plus a wounded Batman, vs. Dr. Phosphorus, Roxy Rocket, and Riot, with the Dark Knight’s life on the line…

Verdict: Thumbs up. Nicely frantic action, lots of great dialogue and banter, and great characterizations. Bryan Q. Miller has a talent for writing incredibly charismatic superheroes — even Damian is likeable in this, and everyone hates Damian!

Marvel Super Hero Squad #2

I had no intention of ever picking this series up — from the character designs, I assumed that all the stories would boil down to “We can stop Doctor Doom… with the power of FRIENDSHIP!” What changed my mind? I watched a couple episodes of the cartoon series — namely, the pilot episode (see here for Part II and Part III) and this amazing little thing called “Mental Organism Designed Only for Kisses” (see here for Part II and Part III). So it’s a good deal goofier and more subversive than it looks on first glance, and I decided that made the comic series worth checking out.

Anyway, this issue is dedicated to Valentine’s Day and all things love-related. We start out with a trio of supervillainesses — Enchantress, Mystique, and Screaming Mimi — trying to use their feminine wiles to get the good guys in the Super Hero Squad to give them the awesomely-powerful superpower-granting crystals called fractals. While Enchantress uses her magic to ensnare Wolverine, Thor, the Falcon, and the Silver Surfer (though Hulk is completely immune, ’cause all he wants to do is fight monsters), Mystique impersonates Ms. Marvel to try to get Iron Man to lead her to the fractals, and Screaming Mimi hangs out with Hulk mainly for something entertaining to do. Our second story features teen dinosaur-transformer Reptil, who is hoping Valentine’s Day will mean all the girls in school will be swooning over him. And finally, the rest of the “Squaddies” learn who Hulk’s true love is…

Verdict: Thumbs up. Very cute stuff. Not particularly edgy, but it’s going to be fun for all-ages readers, or for anyone who enjoys the cartoon.

Hit-Monkey #1

Marvel’s been talking this one up a lot. “Character creation of the year” and all that. It starts out focusing on a hitman, injured and on the run. He gets inexplicably taken in, cared for and healed by a small tribe of Japanese macaque monkeys — he is accepted by all of the monkeys but one. While the assassin heals up enough to be able to move about, he doesn’t have a lot of bullets and knows he’s still not well, so he starts training himself in unarmed combat, observed by the one untrusting monkey. In time, the people who tried to kill the hitman come after him, killing him and all the monkeys but the one outcast who didn’t trust the assassin — ironically, he’s learned enough about martial arts and gunplay by watching the hitman that he’s now able to take his revenge for the death of his tribe.

Verdict: Thumbs down. It’s actually a fairly dull story, and it certainly doesn’t live up to the hype that Marvel has given it. We never see the monkey in the snappy suit from the cover. We never get any indication that he’s actually smart enough to care about wearing a suit, much less figuring out how to use a handgun. Oh, I know, you should never ever expect too much logic from comics — especially not from comics about monkeys. Nevertheless, I was hoping for better.

JSA All-Stars #3

Hurray! It’s the happiest cover ever! Maybe DC really is figuring out that everyone hates Magog…

On the other hand, this is a pretty danged awkward issue. The JSA annual came out just last week, but this entire issue is set before the annual. So at this point, Magog is still a member in moderately good standing within the All-Stars. Most of the action in this issue takes place during a team training session, where Magog mainly tries to encourage everyone to kill their opponents, and Power Girl eventually clocks him a good one. But there’s some background stuff, too. Johnny Sorrow kills Killer Wasp mostly for grins, Atom-Smasher has been kidnapped by some evil magic user, and Sandman is waking up from his dreams with a mission. Oh, and Power Girl apparently has a new costume without the infamous/celebrated “boob window.” The backup story about Hourman and Liberty Belle is full of lots of good comedy, mainly stemming from Tigress and Icicle buying a plane ticket from Liberty Belle while she’s in civvies, giving the two married superheroes some extra cash to spend in Venice.

Verdict: Ehh, thumbs up, I guess. Nothing much to recommend it, but at least there’s nothing particularly bad either. The background elements are actually more interesting than the main storyline. And I do wonder why the decision was made to alter Power Girl’s costume, since I doubt her uniform will change in any of her other comic appearances.

Punisher #13

I missed an issue of this one a while back, but Frank Castle is still a stitched-together Frankensteinian killing machine, trying to save a bunch of monsters from cyber-samurai trying to destroy all monsters. That’s really the whole summary of the issue. There are some good fights with Morbius the Living Vampire, Werewolf by Night, Man-Thing, and lots of scenes with the Punisher shooting the heck out of samurai.

Verdict: Thumbs up. Lots of good fights, lots of fun monsters. I heartily approve.

So Marvel Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada apologized because the teabaggers got added into an issue of “Captain America,” and for some reason, the teabaggers got mad, possibly because all they ever do is get mad, so Joe apologized because — I don’t know why.

Quesada hasn’t apologized to me yet for having Spider-Man sell his soul to the devil, or for cancelling “She-Hulk” and “Captain Britain” and “Marvel Adventures: The Avengers”… but all the crazy screaming people get apologized to because they got put into a comic book? No big surprise they’re yelling that his apology isn’t enough. I’m not sure what they want him to do — kill himself? Kill the writer? Blow up a federal building? Did Joe think the teabaggers were gonna go out and buy some comic books? Methinks not, man — once you’re the focus of the Two Minutes Hate, you never get back on their good side again.

So here’s my open letter to Big Joe Q — I’m sure he’ll be keen to read it. As long as he’s paying attention to tiny fringe groups with questionable sanity, I’m sure he’ll want to bookmark me and read me all the time:

“Dear Joe,

Please stop apologizing to the angry screaming people who hang teabags on their hats.

Ignore them, and they’ll forget about you as soon as they get distracted by whatever random object enrages them next. When you give them the attention they crave, they write your name down in their ‘These Guys Are Easy Marks Who We Can Get to Pay Attention to Us’ book, and they’ll just keep screaming at you.

P.S.: Jeph Loeb and Brian Bendis aren’t as great as you think they are. Please stop giving them so much work. Or any work. Good luck with the ‘Heroic Age’ stuff, but betwixt you and me, I reckon y’all will be right back to killing off B-list superheroes before the end of the year.

Hugs and kisses,
That Dude Who Writes ‘Hero Sandwich'”

I’d share with y’all my open letter to Dan DiDio at DC, but I don’t think y’all want to be exposed to quite that many F-bombs…

I Hate Gallant Girl trade paperback

This is a series I’d actually been really interested in getting when it first came out, but I ended up missing every issue. When I saw that it was out in a trade paperback, I figured it was a great opportunity to read it.

The story is by Jim Valentino and Kat Cahill with art by Seth Damoose. Backstory: the Fellowship of Freedom has a pageant every decade to select a new Gallant Girl. One of the newest candidates, Miss Maine, Renee Tempete, is plenty frustrated that she wasn’t chosen — she’s got pretty awe-inspiringly powerful abilities, and the new Gallant Girl doesn’t have any powers at all. But she is a buxom blonde, and Renee is a less-well-endowed brunette, and that’s all the Fellowship really cares about. After Renee later puts a major smackdown on a giant robot attacking the airport, the Fellowship’s leader, the Commander, offers a position with the team — as Gallant Girl’s stand-in. Renee would do all the work, and Gallant Girl would get all the credit.

One of the Fellowship members, Blue Thunder, takes Renee under his wing, and she makes her own debut as a heroine called Tempest, completely upstaging Gallant Girl. And Renee soon discovers that there are some seriously bad characters running around the superhero world. Can she get to the bottom of all this without getting killed?

Verdict: Thumbs down. I like Renee as a character, and I thought the art was really great. But the entire story builds toward an ultimate confrontation between Renee and Gallant Girl, and when the confrontation finally gets here — it falls flat, and the entire thing is deferred ’til later. They were probably hoping to get another comic series out of it, but that never really developed. All in all, this story probably would’ve been pretty good if it had run for four issues, but because it only ran for three, it ends up being no fun.

Justice Society of America Annual #2

The JSA All-Stars get called out to a prison called Haven — a very unusual prison in that it looks like a small suburban town from the ’50s but actually houses the most dangerous mad scientists in the country. There’s been a report of a breakout, with Magog leading the prisoners. While it initially looks deserted, the prisoners soon show themselves and the fighting gets started. Dr. Sivana and a guy named Mind Czar are leading the prisoners, and Haven’s warden is also working against everyone — he’s secretly in cahoots with shady forces who want to kill the prisoners and superheroes and steal all the high-tech toys for themselves. The main JSA team eventually makes its appearance, and it’s not long before it’s everyone on both teams piling on Magog, who is more than willing to try to kill or cripple prisoners and to accidentally shoot his own teammates and then blame them for getting in his way. And by the time it’s all over, Haven’s been destroyed, Magog has gotten the boot from the JSA, and neither team is going to get back together.

Verdict: Thumbs up. The story is fine, and it’s good that Magog is out of the picture, because no one really liked the guy anyway. But it definitely does make me question the stated reasoning for breaking the JSA into two groups. The only reason the teams were ever split was because Magog wanted ’em split — why leave them split now, when most characters have already said they’d like the teams reconciled again? Okay, fine, it’s because DC Comics wants ’em to be on two teams, the better to sell more comics. But dang it, a little logic and decent storytelling wouldn’t hurt nobody.

Jonah Hex #52

Jonah has done got hisself shot, and he makes his way to a small house outside a swamp to try to get shelter and medical attention. The lady of the house is able to get the bullet out of him and his wounds stitched up, and he tells her how he got wounded — he was attacked in the swamp by a little kid hoping to rob his corpse, and he killed the kid in self-defense. Unfortunately, his rotten kinfolk are now after Hex for revenge — and his benefactor now wants him out as quick as possible, to keep from risking her baby’s life. When a trio of the swamp rat’s relatives show up at the door, is there any way for Hex to beat the odds and get away?

Verdict: Thumbs up. It’s another cruel, brutal, heartless Western, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I wasn’t 100% thrilled with the art, but I gotta say, there’s one splash page of Hex, gut-shot, soaked in swamp water and blood, covered in leeches, that’s just plain fantastic.

Comics reviews, comics reviews, comics reviews. I need a break. I bet you do, too. So give me your opinions on the absolutely vital question of WHO WOULD WIN?

The combatants:

DC’s Darkseid, Lord of Apokolips, master of the Omega Effect, prophet of Anti-Life, the Rock and the Chain and the Lightning, your New God, now and forever…

…vs. Marvel’s Galactus, Devourer of Worlds, master of the Power Cosmic, immense godlike destroyer, and possessor of the craziest hat ever!

We’ll go for a best-three-out-of-five battle.

Contest 1:

Generic Minion Whomping!

Contest 2:

Clue!

Contest 3:

Cake Baking!

Contest 4:

Dance Marathon!

Contest 5:

Beach Volleyball! (with Desaad and Terrax the Tamer to fill out the teams)

WHO WOULD WIN???

(My picks are in the comments…)

Ya say you’ve had a rough week, and you’re looking for a little old-fashioned comic book violence to get your weekend started right? Well, brothers and sisters, you’ve come to the right place! It’s time for… FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS!

Tonight’s fight comes to us from 1999’s Spider-Girl #4 by Tom DeFalco and Pat Olliffe, as little Petey Parker’s alternate-history daughter meets up with a dude called the Dragon King:

Everyone have a great weekend, and I’ll see y’all back here on Monday.

Milestone Forever #1

As I think I’ve mentioned before, I’m a huge fan of the comics produced by Milestone Media back in the ’90s. I loved the art, I loved the writing, I loved the dialogue and characterizations, I loved the idea that they were making superhero comics that looked like something other than a bunch of white people hanging out in spandex. Heck, “Blood Syndicate” got me back to reading comics, after years of ignoring them. And when I heard DC was going to bring all those characters back a year or two ago, I was real excited. It didn’t turn out so well — Dwayne McDuffie tried to re-introduce them during his run on “Justice League of America,” but DC kept taking control of the book away from him so they could promote new crossovers. And then DC announced that, whoops, they were foolin’, and other than Static, they had no plans to use the other Milestone characters for anything.

But the Milestone characters are getting one final hurrah — this very short miniseries, written by McDuffie, with artwork by John Paul Leon, M.D. Bright, J.H. Williams III, and Romeo Tanghal. We start out with a focus on Dharma, near-omniscient precog, obsessed with the only thing he can’t see — how the world is about to end. We catch up with Icon and Rocket, Flashback (still trying to kick her crack habit), Holocaust, still scheming, still trying to take over Dakota’s gangs. Holocaust wants his new Blood Syndicate to help him kill Icon, but he doesn’t know that Icon has allies on the way, including Static, Hardware, and even a bunch of Syndicate members. And former Syndicate leader Wise Son is back, ready to fight Holocaust for control of the gang he helped create. Is the ensuing battle going to be the spark that sets of the global armageddon that Dharma fears?

Thumbs up. It’s great to see all these characters again, even if some of them only show up for a panel or two. The dialogue is pretty good, and the story, set against the end of the world scenario that Dharma has foreseen since his first appearance, is still interesting. If I’ve got quibbles, it’s that there are probably too many characters — understandable, since they are trying to make sure all these people get to appear at least once, but it’s too bad we won’t get to spend more time with more of these characters. I also groused a bit about the consistency of the art — Dogg, for instance, ends up being depicted a lot larger than he was in the original comics, and Kwai has lost her Extremely Dramatic Eyebrows. The whole package is gonna run you $6, for just this first issue, but for Milestone fans, I’m still recommending it.

Blackest Night: Wonder Woman #3

Diana has just received her power ring and become a temporary member of the Star Sapphires. She sets out to bust up some Black Lantern zombies, particularly the resurrected Maxwell Lord, but she gets interrupted by Mera, Queen of Atlantis, now wielding a red power ring as one of the violently angry, blood-puking Red Lanterns. Of course, there’s a huge battle between the two — Mera’s rage won’t even let her think straight, and Wondy doesn’t want to hurt her anyway. Is there a way to get through to Mera before the zombies take all of them down?

Verdict: Thumbs up. As little as I’ve enjoyed the previous books in this mini-miniseries, I wasn’t expecting much from this final issue, but I was very pleasantly surprised. Character and dialogue hit on all cylinders, and the artwork by Nicola Scott is, as always, staggeringly awesome. Favorite bit? Wondy’s awestruck amazement on what it feels like to wield a power ring.

The Question #37

Yet another revival of a long-cancelled comic as part of the “Blackest Night” crossover. In this one, Renee Montoya, the new Question, and Tot Rodor, longtime scientific assistant to the Questions, know that Vic Sage, the original Question, is almost certainly going to return as a zombified Black Lantern. But first, they have a little problem with Lady Shiva. She once beat Vic to death years ago, just to prove she could, then revived him so she could do a little gloating. She’s a twisted little gal, ain’t she? Anyway, she’s decided she wants to give Renee the same treatment, which is just darn rude. And of course, Vic makes his big resurrection during their fight and turns on them both. Lady Shiva manages to clear her mind of all emotion, making her invisible to the emotion-seeking zombie. Can Renee and Tot do the same, or are they both heading for a dirtnap?

Verdict: Thumbs up. A nicely small-scale story, told with a near-claustrophobic focus. The entire story is told within a fairly small building on a fairly small island on a dark, rainy night with only four characters — it’s perfect for keeping a tight, terrifying spotlight on the characters and the action. Just an all-around fun story.

The Secrets of Sarah Winchester #1

Okay, I’m an utter sucker for anything having to do with the Winchester Mystery House, which has a backstory bizarre enough to be a comic book entirely free of embellishment. But in this case, Dan Vado and Drew Rausch have embellished it a bit. We start with version of the famous mansion that’s a bit less of a tourist attraction and a bit more of a genuine haunted house. A couple of snooping teens come along wanting to catch a glimpse of the weird old deserted house and are suitable awed by its colossal size. They run into the caretaker and ask to be allowed to look the place over, but he tells them he doesn’t have the key — the house has to be opened by someone — or something — from the inside. And as bad luck would have it, the things inside the house would indeed like to entertain visitors, leading to the mysterious and entirely fatal disappearance of two snooping teens. A flashback to the 1800s follows, as a medium warns Sarah Winchester that she’s been cursed by the spirits of everyone killed with a Winchester firearm, and the only way to escape the curse is to spend the rest of her life pouring her fortune into the ongoing construction of a mansion in California. And then a jump back to the present, as a cop investigating the disappearance of the teenagers has her own encounter with the ghosts in the house… but with a twist that startles the caretaker.

Verdict: Thumbs up. Vado is a big fan of the Winchester mansion and its legend, and he and Rausch have crafted a nice, creepy story about one of the most celebrated weird houses in the country, along with some beautiful, freaky artwork. I’ve got my fingers crossed that I’ll be able to read the rest of this series.

Green Lantern #50

The Black Lantern zombies are attacking Coast City, and the various power ring slingers — and their new human recruits, including Green Lantern Ganthet, Red Lantern Mera, Orange Lantern Lex Luthor, Sinestro Corps member Scarecrow, Blue Lantern Flash, Indigo Tribe member Atom, and Star Sapphire Wonder Woman — are busy busting superpowered zombies. But they’re all in trouble when the Black Lantern version of the Spectre shows up — he’s too powerful for any of them to take down. So Hal makes a pretty desperate gamble — from his time serving as the Spectre’s human host, he remembers that the Spectre was afraid of Parallax, the fear-based cosmic parasite that empowers the Sinestro Corps and formerly operated from inside Hal. So he brings Parallax back and lets it take him over. Why do I figure that’s going to be a bad, bad move?

Verdict: Thumbs up. I’m not real fond of the idea of bringing Parallax back for yet another round, but the rest of the comic is just too much fun. The return of Aquababy, Larfleez and Luthor brawling over who gets the orange rings, Scarecrow’s absolute glee over his ring, Hal’s brief service in the Black Lantern Corps (and that means the only rings he hasn’t worn yet are Indigo and Violet… and the inevitable White Lantern), and Doug Mahnke’s fantastic, gory, glorious artwork. Sure, some of the crossover books aren’t so good, but the comics carrying the main story? They’re still rocking.

Detective Comics #861

Batman and Batwoman are both on the trail of a serial killer who abducts college students, then cuts off parts of their bodies — hands in one case, the lower jaw of another. Batwoman encounters the killer, nicknamed Cutter by the police, and is able to save his victim, though he gets away. After the fight, Kate Kane visits her cousin, Bette Kane, college student and former Teen Titan, to see that she’s not in danger. Bette tells her not to worry, but we know how that’s going to turn out, right?

Verdict: Thumbs up. Good art, nice thriller, interesting mystery, and it’s always nice to see Flamebird, even if she’s running around as a college student instead of a superhero.

Madame Xanadu #19

A flashback issue, all the way back to the days before Camelot. We get to know Nimue as the adventurous deer-chasing girl she used to be and Morgana as a deceitful, conniving princess. We watch mankind grow from cavemen to more civilized people, even as Morgana schemes to put them all under her thumb.

Verdict: Thumbs down. Just didn’t feel a big thrill with this one.