Here was my interesting inspiration for the weekend: a fan-made trailer for a “Green Lantern” movie that doesn’t actually exist. It includes snippets from everything from “Serenity” to “Iron Man” to “Star Trek” to “Prince Caspian” — and thanks to really wonderful editing, it all makes sense, and it looks like it would make a wonderful movie. I’d never thought of Nathan Fillion as Hal Jordan, but now I think he’d be perfect for the role.

But in the real world, DC can’t seem to get a movie made to save its life. Compare Wikipedia’s list of DC movies to their list of Marvel movies, and it’s pretty clear that Marvel is stomping DC when it comes to getting movies on the big screen. Heck, Marvel is getting actually making sequels of movies that weren’t successes the first time out (like the Hulk and Punisher movies) — and while that may not mean they’re going to win any Oscars any time soon, it also means that when you watch the entertainment programs and read the entertainment mags, they’re all talking about those low-rent Marvel movies. I mean, Joss Whedon, creator of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” “Firefly,” and “Dollhouse,” was champing at the bit to make a “Wonder Woman” movie, and DC blew him off. That’s not a publisher who has a single clue about film, don’tcha think?

If DC (and of course, their corporate parent, Warner Brothers) were smart, they’d follow the Marvel method of filmmaking — throw everything you’ve got at the wall and see what sticks. Yes, that means you’ll get some stinkers like “Elektra” and “Daredevil” and the third “Spider-Man” and “X-Men” movies. But holding your fire in the hopes that the third “Batman” movie will again do boffo box office is a great way to guarantee that, even if you make hundreds of millions with that one movie, you’ll still just be a Hollywood also-ran.

The Umbrella Academy: Dallas #6

The whole team is now in Dallas in 1963, with young Number Five and the Rumor trying to assassinate President Kennedy, and Spaceboy, Kraken, Seance, and old Number Five trying to prevent the shooting. Wait, where is the Rumor anyway? Spaceboy’s group takes down the evil time travelers, and old Number Five shoots the assassins on the grassy knoll — well, he does miss one of them. (Is that too vague? Too bad — trying to prevent spoiling all the fun.) When the team gets back to the present day, they find (luckily) that the Earth hasn’t been destroyed, and that not much has changed. Is it good? Is it bad? Ultimately, it’s neither. It’s just the way things go.

Verdict: Thumbs up. A big powerful ending, with lots of surprises, great characterization, and great art. Great work by Gerard Way and Gabriel Ba — hope they can bring this team back for more sometime soon.

Killapalooza #1

What if you had an insanely popular rock band that was also a team of metahuman assassins? They all hate each other and are planning on quitting the band and the hired-killer business, but they’ve got one more job to do, in the midst of all the other rock bands they hate — if they can get out alive.

Verdict: Thumbs down. Not a single appealing character. Very little characterization. Sketchy artwork. Predictable plot. Dull, dull, dull.

Spacebooger has still declared us to be in the hiatus fortnight for Friday Night Fights, but that doesn’t mean we can’t get a little proper brawling in before the weekend, right? Sure, we had some trouble with not being able to get any actual violence in last week, but I got that solved — we’re going with something from January 2008’s The Goon #20 by Eric Powell. It’s the roughenest, toughenest, rootinest, tootinest scrap-happy comic there is, so I’m sure there’s gotta be something terrifically brutal in here.

Wha?

No, wait, I mean, wha?

Alright, that did severe violence to my brain. That counts, doesn’t it?

Y’all have a merry weekend, despite the lack of fisticuffs.

Dangit, now I want a ham sandwich…

I picked up a couple of comics yesterday starring people named either Buck or Bucky. Sometimes, the themes just fall into your lap. Let’s see how they shaped up…

Captain America #50

James “Bucky” Barnes, better known as the current Captain America, as well as the old Captain America’s original sidekick, is getting chased by a bunch of armored terrorists — not the best way to spend his birthday. And really, that’s about it as far as the plot goes — most of this is taken up with flashbacks to some of Bucky’s earlier birthdays during World War II, including one in the stockade and one with him, Cap, the Human Torch, and Toro being attacked by Nazi ubermensch.

Verdict: Thumbs up. Yeah, not a lot of plot, but the action is outstanding, the flashbacks are grand fun, and the dialogue and characterization are first-rate. Ed Brubaker and Luke Ross are really producing a great comic book here.

Buck Rogers #0

It took me a while to realize that this one was sitting by the counter with a price tag of just 25 cents. It’s embarrassing that it took me so long to pick up on a bargain like that.

A preview issue for a new ongoing series about the sci-fi hero, this one starts with Buck captured by invading aliens who are actually giant-sized cells. He’s able to give them the slip for a while, but they’re on the verge of conquering the Earth. Will Buck Rogers have to sacrifice himself to save the planet?

Verdict: Thumbs up, mainly because it’s just a quarter. A quarter! That’s almost as good as “All in color for a dime”! Not entirely sure I’m enthused about the story — excellent artwork, interesting aliens, but I’m not sure there’s enough in this preview to give me the ammo to recommend it or not.

Lockjaw and the Pet Avengers #1

Ohh, I had to get this one.

We start out with Reed Richards of the Fantastic Four visiting the Inhumans to discuss finding the massively powerful Infinity Gems to make sure they’re never brought together. However, unbeknownst to anyone else, the Inhumans’ oversized teleporting dog Lockjaw has already found the Mind Gem. Unable to get the Inhumans or Mr. Fantastic to pay any attention to him, Lockjaw decides to use the gem’s telepathic powers to assemble a team of animal superheroes to locate the rest of the gems, recruiting a new version of Frog Thor, Kitty Pryde’s dragon Lockheed, the Falcon’s falcon Redwing, Speedball’s cat Hairball, and Aunt May’s dog Ms. Lion. Once the team’s assembled, they’re off to the Savage Land to see if they can find some Infinity Gems before the dinosaurs do…

Verdict: Thumbs up. It’s very silly, and I’m in favor of a few silly comics from time to time. Frog Thor’s origin is a bit long, but I guess they figured they needed it to differentiate him from the real Thor that got turned into a frog (a story from Walt Simonson’s classic run on “Thor” that had the God of Thunder getting transformed by his evil brother Loki — read Khairul’s summary for all the details). The characterization is pretty good — Redwing is arrogant, Hairball is the team’s bad boy, Lockheed is still mourning Kitty Pryde, and almost everything Ms. Lion says is hilarious. Not much of a plot yet, but I trust that’ll develop some more now that all our characters have been introduced.

Marvel Adventures: Super Heroes #11

Loki gets a frost giant and a fire demon to attack Thor and New York City. Thor manages to persuade the frost giant that Loki is using him for evil purposes, and they team up to defeat the demon.

Verdict: Ehh, thumbs down. The “Marvel Adventures” line is designed for all-ages readers, so I’m not expecting the most complicated storylines in the world, but this one was just a bit too lightweight for my tastes.

Captain Britain and MI-13 #13

In the newest depressing comic book news, this is the latest outstanding comic to end up on the chopping block. Its last issue is going to be #15.

As for our story: The vampires have destroyed the artifact that keeps the vampires out of Britain. Norman Osborn calls MI-13 to tell them he can’t help, and the Scarlet Witch calls to tell them that the UK has been magically cut off from the rest of the world — people can get out of the country, but an impenetrable forcefield keeps everyone else out. Dracula finally converts Spitfire to evil. And after that, everyone gets killed, and the vampires conquer England.

Verdict: Thumbs up. An absolutely outstanding cliffhanger.

Justice Society of America #26

It’s the last issue with Geoff Johns writing the comic, which he’s done for almost a decade. There’s not a ton of action in this one — most of the focus is on Stargirl’s surprise birthday party, attended by most of the JSA. It’s a very cute slice-of-life issue, with some nice bits with Starman’s inability to understand the concept of birthday presents, the Wildcats hanging out and enjoying each other’s company, a bunch of superheroes roaming around a grocery store, Courtney’s little brother being a pain in the neck, and Green Lantern wearing a silly party hat.

Verdict: Thumbs up. Yes, I know, I’m a sucker for “a day in the life” stories. But I love the nice bits of personality and characterization that get tossed in here — Starman pays for drinks at a kid’s lemonade stand with a combination of C-notes and grocery coupons, Wildcat Sr. is amusingly gruff and loving, Jakeem Thunder, who hasn’t had a lot to do lately, gets a great two-page spread to chat with Courtney. And Stargirl goes to the dentist to get her braces off! Altogether, just a fun little farewell from Geoff Johns to Stargirl, who is probably his favorite character.

Stepping away from comics again for a bit, just so I can rant some more.

Just last week, I had my post about the sorry state of journalism, with regard to salaries — in other words, the reporters who do all the hard work get crap wages, while the big-shot columnists — who tend to be the noxious black mold infecting the editorial pages — get millions of dollars, book contracts, and a guaranteed job for life. In fact, at one point, I said:

You wanna really see some improvement? Take David Broder, Maureen Dowd, Richard Cohen, Charles Krauthammer, Jonah Goldberg, Jake Tapper, Joel Stein, Thomas Friedman, George Will, Jeffrey Rosen, and the rest of the no-talent brigade, tie them to the outside of a rocketship using rusty barbed wire and a staplegun, and fire them into the sun. They’re an embarrasment, and they’re a drain on the finances of an industry that can’t afford their prima donna salaries.

Lo and behold, the second person on my list, Maureen Dowd, just got caught blatantly plagiarizing material from blogger Joshua Michah Marshall. Her excuse? She wasn’t trying to copy Marshall, she was just exactly quoting something one of her friends said, who somehow managed to exactly quote Marshall. Gee, what an amazing coincidence, right?

So obviously, the New York Times is faced with having a gossip writer — oh, ‘scuse me, political columnist — who is not only a plagiarist but a liar — a combo that the Times used to punish with a pink slip. How is the Times going to deal with Dowd? It’s a dead-solid bet that nothing will happen to her. After all, she’s a columnist! She gets paid a lot of money! She gets to go on TV! And now she’s extra controversial! ‘Cause controversy sells papers! In theory! (They used to say good reporting sold papers, but now it’s controversy, ’cause they’d have to pay reporters more.)

Heck, maybe Jayson Blair should call the Times up and ask them if he could be re-hired, since they’re all okay with plagiarism now.

Again, what is the New York Times getting for the huge salary they pay Maureen Dowd? They’re getting a plagiarizing, lying embarrassment. They’re getting a nice, fat black eye. They’re getting their reporters — who all know that they’d be fired in a heartbeat if they got caught plagiarizing so unashamedly — asking themselves why they work so hard for a company that pays them so little and values the useless superstar columnists more than the people who do the real work. I hope they’re pleased with the results, though I doubt anyone else is.

I stand by my rocket-to-the-sun columnist solution, with the stipulation that I’d probably need a whole fleet of rockets to make enough of a difference…

Maybe you’ve heard of this “Blackest Night” crossover coming up this summer? If you loves you some spoilers, you might wanna check out DC’s new solicits, with covers that show off some of the dastardly zombie plots that the Black Lanterns will be working on. (Also, Beast Boy needs a real girlfriend.)

Speaking of unspeakable horror, please enjoy this website dedicated to Awkward Family Photos.

Now, as promised, funny videos:

• The Goonies of the Caribbean
• Just one reason why Texas would be better off without our bizarrely science-hating State School Board
• Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus! (with Debbie Gibson!)
• Michael Bay’s “My Little Pony” (and the action director’s amazingly awesome Verizon commercial)
• Cat Yodeling!
• And finally, the world’s greatest ventriloquist Senor Wences on “The Muppet Show.”

One more little bit of fun for your Tuesday: build your own paper dolls of Alan Moore.

The Strange Adventures of H.P. Lovecraft #1

I didn’t hear about this one before it came out, but I just can’t resist a comic about Providence, Rhode Island’s favorite son.

This one isn’t about horror/fantasy author H.P. Lovecraft’s stories, but on the author himself, struck with a bad case of writer’s block, suffering through editors who don’t value his stories, and with his relationship with his semi-sorta-kinda girlfriend Sylvia at a standstill. He gets mugged by a couple of sailors, visits his mother in the madhouse, learns that Sylvia is cheating on him, and then an ancient cursed book in the library goes and makes things even worse by talking to him and declaring him “The Key and Guardian of the Gate.” And he finally breaks his writer’s block when he comes up with a story about the sailors who robbed him being attacked by a tentacled horror on their boat. But Howard, his elderly aunts tell him, didn’t you read this morning’s paper — that all happened just last night…

Verdict: Thumbs up. On one hand, it’s a nice little meditation on Lovecraft’s (highly fictionalized) life, but it’s also a decent little dose of proper cosmic horror, too. So far, they ain’t showing the monsters, which is exactly the right thing to do — Lovecraftian fiction is hard enough to do without showing the tentacled horrors too early…

Madame Xanadu #10

Nimue has seemingly captured the Phantom Stranger, angering her lover Zatara in the process, since the Stranger was Zatara’s guest. Unfortunately, the capture was merely a ruse on the Stranger’s part as he magicks Madame Xanadu away to propose that she join his association of mystics to help usher in the new heroic age. She angrily rejects him, insisting that he keeps manipulating others even as he points out that she plans to let tough cop Jim Corrigan die to raise a new magical ally. In the end, the Stranger leaves her alone, but Nimue learns that Corrigan’s death has turned him into the Spectre, the Spirit of Vengeance, a terrible mystic juggernaut of death and destruction. Upset that her benign neglect of Corrigan could lead to such a tragic error, she decides to stop using her fortunetelling to benefit only herself and become a freelance seer, helping anyone who needs her talents.

Verdict: Thumbs up. A nice ending for this first storyarc — the final confrontation between Madame Xanadu and the Phantom Stranger on the astral plane is nicely realized and the debut of the Spectre is shrouded in unexpected menace. As always, Matt Wagner‘s writing is outstanding, and Amy Reeder Hadley‘s artwork is even better. I’ll miss Hadley’s art in the next storyline (which will be illustrated by Michael William Kaluta), but I understand she will be back for future stories.

One of the most depressing things I read this past week was on Rich Johnston’s “Lying in the Gutters” column about the recent “Top 10” series:

Were you one of the people buying the “Top Ten Season Two” mini-series who, like me, were surprised that it seemed to just stop rather than finish? A commentary on the randomness of life? That stories rarely end smoothly? That loose plots are endemic of our own life so why not reflect them in fiction?

No.

The series was originally planned and written as an eight issue series with two one shots on top, all written by Zander Cannon, one of the artists from the original “Top Ten” series, with Kevin Cannon. The other artist, Gene Ha, was only available for four issues. Wildstorm seem to have decided that it was only Ha’s name that appealed to the consumer, so they only published his four issues, and the one shot drawn by Da Xiong that accompanied them. Without telling anyone that they would only be getting half a story.

But what a story it was. The first half was the equal of Moore’s run on the title and was certainly the most critically well received of the non-Moore ABC titles.

As someone who was a huge fan of “Top 10” — both Alan Moore’s original series and the new Cannon/Ha series —  this is pretty frustrating news. Bad enough that we got just half the story, with no resolution — but with no explanation about it? With no notification that they were cutting the series from eight issues to just four? I don’t know whether to blame Wildstorm’s origins as one of the first Image studios, with all the “No one cares about the writer, just the artist” idiocy that entailed, or to blame DC’s seeming obsession with cancelling any comic that doesn’t suck. Whoever’s at fault, this is certainly something that can be hit with a big, red “FAIL” stamp.

“Top 10” was always set up much like a police procedural show on TV — a cop show with superpowers — and one of the pleasures of a good cop show, in addition to seeing crimes solved and crooks arrested, is seeing how the characters develop and how their storylines evolve over the course of the season. This latest series of “Top 10” had a ton of great storylines in progress, from Pete Cheney’s ongoing meltdown and Duane Bodine’s misguided attempts to cover for him, to the new Sung Li’s attempts to develop into her own person, to Irma Wornow’s suspension from the force — not to mention the overarching story about the new commissioner’s attempt to force the precinct into his own limited worldview. To throw all that into the dumpster just because someone else does the artwork is pretty spectacularly awful.

More on the subject from Zander Cannon himself.